Trading yesterday
by keenan24
Summary: Post S6 finale AU. Upstead hurt/comfort
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, so this is my little offering to add to the fandom. I'm pretty rusty, havent written fic in a couple of years. i was almost out of fandom until i recently stumbled upon Upstead, and now i'm obssessed, Love love love their build up and the upstead goodness in the finale, so i couldnt stay awy from writing for them. some mild trigger warning for mentions of abuse. Happy reading. this is unbetaed so all mistakes are mine and obviously i dont own chicago pd cause if so upstead would have happened instead of upzek and antonio would not be gone. without further ado.**

**this is a post s6 finale au (since i'm pretty sure the show wont go with my au)**

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

The chilly air bites at Jay's cheeks and he adjusts his beanie to cover his ears, heading into the 21st precinct. His 3 hour stakeout with Rixton didn't pan out, and he only wants to get back into the warm embrace of his office, and finish the reports waiting on his desk.

He juggles the coffees and bagels he bought for him and Hailey, already anticipating the wide grin impromptu breakfast always seems to elicit from his partner. That smile that makes her eyes color even more blue is his daily reward, his daily reminder that she's back. That he got her back.

The two months that followed the unit being disbanded after Kelton's death were some of the worst he's had to go through. Hailey being undercover for Narcs and not being allowed any outside contact seriously messed with his head. So when Voigt told him he had a plan to get Ruzek out and the team back, Jay felt he could finally breathe. And he did, when he got to see her again after her undercover stint, and promised himself this was the last time he'd ever let her go.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he taps on it to check the incoming message with his free hand.

_Had to head out with Kim to check for a potential witness. Please tell me you got me breakfast_

A smile tugs at his lips as he answers.

_What do you think? :) _

_OK you're officially my favorite Halstead! Beers on me tonight then. See you later :)_

He chuckles and hurries to the building's entrance.

"Excuse me, sorry, sir?"

Jay stops and turns to find an older man, seemingly lost.

"Can I help you?"

The man approaches, eyes darting between him and the entrance of the precinct.

"Hello, is this the 21st precinct?"

"Yes," Jay nods, surveying the man. He looks familiar, his sharp blue eyes both warm and weary give him a sense of deja-vu.

"I am looking for a Detective Upton. I was told she works here."

"She does," Jay says, eyeing the man a bit more carefully. Tall-ish, white, upper middle class, seemingly expensive coat, grey hair, tired features. "But she's not in the office yet. Do you want to wait for her inside?"

The man seems to hesitate. He eventually shakes his head, "No it's ok." He fishes something in his coat's pocket, and conjures a card.

"Could you please give her this when she comes back?" He hands the card to Jay who glances at the name on it. Isaac Upton. His eyes snap back at the man's face, widening as he can catch a furtive glimpse of his favorite blonde.

"You're Hailey's father?"

The man seems taken aback, before quickly recovering and straightening up. "And you are?"

"Detective Jay Halstead," Jay says offering his hand. "Her partner."

"Nice to meet you Detective," they shake hands, each eyeing the other with interest. "I'm sorry I can't stay but if you could give this card to Hailey…?"

"Of course," Jay lets out. The man nods, offering a strained smile before heading to a sleek black Audi, leaving a puzzled Jay frowning at his partner's father demeanor.

Jay replays the quick encounter in his head as he climbs the steps to his office, his detective mind into overdrive. He looks so much like her, she got her father's eyes, even the quiet standoffish nature of his partner echoes the way her father stood in front of him. But how can he not have his own daughter's contact? And him not wanting to wait for her. After seemingly seeking her out. Besides, as close as they have become, Hailey never told Jay about her family. Thinking of it, he doesn't know that much about her, her life outside of their daily work. As much as she always pushes him to open up, she's not been the most forthcoming one either, especially on the personal front. His brain fills with thoughts of Hailey and interest in finding out about a hidden part of her life when he stumbles upon Adam in the breakroom, after dropping Hailey's breakfast on her desk.

"Woah, slow down man," Adam catches him before he bumps into him. "You alright? Looks like you've seen a ghost"

"Kind of. I just met Hailey's father," Jay says, brushing past Adam to enter the room, still unable to quell the uneasy feeling the meeting left him with.

"Oh." Something in Adam's tone makes Jay pay heed and he turns to lock piercing eyes with the intelligence officer.

"What do you mean _"oh"_ ?" he says, crossing his arms.

"Let's just say that Hailey might not be happy to know that he's in town," Adam shrugs at Jay's frown upon hearing his words.

"Are they on the outs?"

Adam huffs a snicker, scratching the back of his head under Jay's watchful stare. "Something like that. Look, man, it's not my place to talk about this. So just ask her about it, ok?"

Jay nods, annoyance tainted with something dangerously close to jealousy coiling inside him, making him stiffen.

"Come on man, don't be like that," Adam tries to placate him, sensing his change in mood, and seemingly trying to backtrack. "Does she know about your nightmares? You know those you get when you have naps at 7 in the AM at the office."

"Point taken, Ruz." Jay turns around, a dismissal, and tries to busy himself by making some coffee before getting back to work. He can hear behind him Adam sigh and head out of the breakroom, leaving him to his thoughts that one way or another always circle back to his partner. His fingers dig up the card her father gave him from his jeans pocket, and Jay stares at the name and the number on it, the reminder that as much as he and Hailey care for each other, there's still a whole swath of their lives they keep from each other. To protect each other, to not make the other run.

Jay lets out a sigh, puts the card back in his pocket, and gets to his reports, anticipating Hailey's return.

The day goes by fast. Jay is gifted with Hailey's grateful grin upon picking her breakfast, he and Kenny Rixton spend the day together raiding houses, and setting up another stakeout with Ruzek and Atwater while Kim and Hailey interrogate the two witnesses they might have found on their case. The sun sets and the members of the Unit starts filling out, each bidding goodnight. Jay and Hailey are the last two in the bullpen, trying to finish their reports before heading out.

"Ugh, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to call it a day," Hailey stretches before looking at an amused Jay. His smile fades when the reminder of his encounter this morning flashes through his mind.

"You alright?" Hailey asks, as always attuned to his mood.

Jay stares at her curious face, soaking up this seemingly at peace Hailey, unwilling to mar it with anything that might hurt her.

He picks the card from his coat and hands it to her. "I think I met your dad today, he told me to give you this."

Jay holds his breath, waiting for her reaction. And his heart constricts when he sees her face fall, a dark cloud passing by, dimming the blue in her eyes.

"Oh… thanks" she says in a clipped, quiet tone. Silence fills the room, she stares at the card as if it's a puzzle she will solve, likewise Jay stares at her, at a loss of what to say or do.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jay watches as she seems to debate on it before she shakes her head, plastering a mockery of a smile on her tired features. He nods, swallowing the bitter taste of disappointment.

"No, I'm good. Raincheck on the beers?" she asks, standing up to pick her coat, ready to leave.

"Yeah of course, but Haile-"

"I'm fine. It's fine. I'll see you tomorrow" Hailey says and all but flees the office, rushing out and leaving Jay at a loss, looking at the steps that she ran down in her haste to get away.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Her hands are clammy and tremble as she holds the phone to her ear. He picks up after the second ring.

"Dad?"

"Hailey, sweeti-"

"What are you doing in Chicago? at my place of work?"

"I just wanted to see my daughter. Is that a crime?"

Hailey exhales some of her anger, smothering a snide reply. She takes a deep calming breath. "After twelve years? What do you want?"

The line stays quiet for a few seconds, she can hear her father's uneven breathing before he decides to speak. "I'm sick, Hailey."

"What?"

"I'm sick. Cancer. Final stage, all that jazz. I don't have long, couple of weeks, at most, and I want to make amends."

Hailey swallows a sob, tears pricking her eyes as she shakes her head, unwilling to believe what she's just heard. "You can't-," she takes another breath. "You can't just come back – twelve years – you come back and you drop this on me, on us all."

"I know, I'm so sorry, for everything. For everything I put you through. I just- I don't know, I just want to see my daughter one last time."

Hailey closes her eyes, tears rolling along her cheeks, trying to find the breath trapped between anger, resentment and loss warring inside her. "Did you tell mom?"

"Who do you think told me about your place of work? I met your partner. You're a Detective now. I'm so proud of you Hailey."

"Don't," Hailey cuts, anger winning out, "Don't even try. Not after the hell you put me through. You have no right to."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be." Hailey cuts the call short, her heart in her throat, her world unravelling at the edges and she can't breathe. Her vision blurs, and it takes long minutes for her heart to pacify and allow her some reprieve.

She calls her mom, tells her she doesn't want to see him, not after the emotional scars he's forever left inside her, not after her brothers refused to even talk to him. She listens to her mother explain that it is complicated, that anger is not the way, that forgiveness helps heal but Hailey doesn't want to hear any of it.

She takes a long bath to neaten her thoughts and provide a salve to the emotions laying siege to her heart. She has dinner and contemplates getting drunk on a weekday. She's pretty sure she won't sleep at all anyway, so anything to not face this, to numb her feelings is welcome.

Her eyes fall on her phone. 3 missed calls and a text from Jay, another text from Adam.

She answers Adam with a text of her own. _I'm fine. Nothing bad, just family stuff. Good night._

Jay's message stares back at her, his words piercing through the fog of anger and resentment, exhuming feelings of longing for him she tries to bury but that irremediably escape the tight grip she has on them.

She checks the time. 11pm. It takes a couple of seconds before she makes up her mind.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

He'd been hoping to hear those three knocks on his door, relief washes over him as he's sure it's her.

Jay opens his door to find Hailey, looking so small, and fragile, in her pajamas and a coat, with a deer in the headlights look. He ushers her in the warmth of his apartment, and goes to pick a couple of beers and a bottle of tequila with shot glasses.

Hailey drops herself on his couch, eyes seemingly lost in the distance.

"Hey," Jay says, almost in a whisper. Hailey looks up and takes the beer he offers. Jay sits beside her, allowing her space to talk it out, letting the silence stretch out as they drink in the quiet.

"I was a happy kid," Hailey says at long last, voice gruff with remnants of tears. "I was a happy kid, I tried to be the perfect kid growing up. You know why? Because I – I thought that was what I needed to do so my dad- so he would stop-"

She takes a breath and dread seeps into Jay, his mind starting to go to the worst place.

"My dad used to beat me," she lets out, eerily calm, almost clinical. "He used to beat me, my mom, and my brothers."

Jay's eyes widen, Hailey's confession like a ton of bricks hitting him.

"Hailey" is the only word he can let out before he puts his beer on the table and lays a hand on her knee. She takes a swig of her drink, still looking straight ahead.

"My mom protected us as much as she could but it didn't change much. It left scars on us all. My brothers fled Chicago because they couldn't cope with the memories. I can't commit to any relationship… that's why I became a cop. And you know the worst thing about it? I still love my dad. When he wasn't abusing us, he was so sweet and smiled and made us laugh and it's just-"

She drinks the whole bottle before speaking again. "It makes you think there's something wrong with you. It's your fault. So you try to be the perfect child and still he hits you. You spend years hating him and hating yourself. And just when I thought I was ok, he comes out of the blue, to tell me he's dying"

Hailey barks out a hollow laugh, shakes her head, and finally locks eyes shining with tears with Jay's. "You were right, I got a lot of daddy daughter crap that got me screwed up"

Her words are like a slap to his face. The same words he cruelly shouted at her when he was dealing with his own father's death. He was horrible to her that day and he never really apologized. He almost got shot, made her and Will and Voigt go through the ringer and he never really asked for forgiveness, taking them for granted, refusing to see that they were there for him, that they loved him, each in their own way.

Hailey shrugs at his silence, "It almost makes you feel like you're not worth being loved"

The barely murmured confession shocks him into silence, and makes him finally move. He takes her bottle and discards it on the table. He barely register Hailey's eyes widen before he wraps her in his arms, pulling her into his lap, and engulfing her in a tight hug. It takes a few heartbeats for her to bury her face into the crook of his neck, returning his embrace.

They have never really touched, not meaningfully. All their affection and care, they conveyed to each other through meaningful glances, through their thing, being there and talking it out with each other. But they never really touched.

Part of him thinks having Hailey cradled in his arms is way overdue. He's overwhelmed with her scent, familiar and soft, filling his nostrils, her body glued to his, clinging tightly like a lifeline to each other. He wants to share all he still can't say to her. That she is the reason he's slowly becoming whole these past years, after Mouse, after Erin, after his father. She's the reason he can stand on his two feet, that this realization terrifies him more and more every day, as he knows he can't afford to lose her. He won't make it if he loses her.

"Hailey, you are worth everything and more. You deserve everything good in this world. So never, ever think you don't," he whispers into her hair, his fingers stroking her blond strands.

_And I will make sure to show how important you are, _is what he doesn't say_, _what he still can't let out.

A few seconds pass, Hailey's labored breathing brushing against his neck, before her body shivers between his hands, sobs quietly escaping her, staining his shirt. She clutches his shirt, and he pulls her even closer to him, trying to take in some of her pain.

They stay in each other's embrace after her tears subside and the first rays of the Chicago sun heralds a new day.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Her father dies a week later. Hailey is numb. She must be strong for her mother who takes it harder than she expected. After everything, her dad was the love of her mother's life. She never remarried, she just continued taking care of her children. She owed her mother to be strong for her.

So Hailey goes on autopilot for the days that follow her father's passing. Taking care of the burial and funeral, running around to make sure everything has been set up and being there for her mother. Her brothers arrive one day after the passing, they support where they can, but all of them have a piece of themselves they buried a long time ago that they can finally let go of. They don't stay long, and have to go back just after the funeral, leaving Hailey and her mother alone again.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Jay tries to be there for her but she keeps him at arm's length. He knows he's pretty much the king of the "I am fine"s so he doesn't begrudge her the space she seems to need. Whatever they are, he's not her family. Instead, he buries himself in work, checking on her every day so she doesn't unravel. He goes to the funeral, along with the rest of the unit, even Kenny, to show Hailey, she has another family that cares for her. They lock eyes, when he stands behind Kim as she hugs Hailey and she offers Jay a grateful sad smile that he echoes with a strained one of his own.

They leave early to let the family grieve in peace and head to Molly's. The sun shining in a cold spring day in Chicago is a stark contrast to the sadness clouding over everyone's mood. It digs up memories no one wants to face, reminder of all the people they've lost, Al, Antonio, Erin, Mouse, Roman, Blair, the army buddies lost in Afghanistan.

Jay lets out a sigh when he gets back to his apartment at 9pm, tugging at his black tie and makes a beeline to his kitchen to retrieve much needed alcohol. He toes off his shoes and slumps into the couch, in his crumpled suit and tie, and thinks of Hailey.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Hailey's nursing her glass of tequila, still in her black funeral dress, silence shrouding her as she sits in her living room, trying to breathe.

It takes her awhile to register the knocks at her door, and she hurries to answer, her heart hammering in her ribcage, hoping it's him. Relief blooms inside her when she opens the door to find Jay still in his afternoon suit, loose tie hanging around his neck, as he leans on her home's doorframe.

They stand in silence looking at each other, before he finally speaks. "I'm sorry to drop by at this hour, I – I just wanted to make sure you're ok. As ok you can be – with all of this."

A soft smile tugs at Hailey's lips. She takes his hand and he follows her inside. She doesn't say anything as she leads him into her bedroom. Jay hesitates at the entrance of her room, making them stop.

Hailey turns to him, and pulls him to her, burying her face into his shoulder. "It's ok, I just don't want to sleep alone."

Jay runs a hand along her back while the other is fastened to her waist, keeping her against him. Hailey straightens to look up to him and she can see how tired he looks, pretty much confirming he hasn't been sleeping those past few days.

"I have nightmares," Jay's words are choked, seemingly taking effort to be let out. "About Afghanistan, all the dead."

Hailey lifts her hand to stroke his cheek and Jay closes his eyes, leaning into her touch. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared. I didn't want you to run."

Hailey cradles Jay's face between her hands and gently tugs it toward hers, putting her forehead against his. "I'm not going anywhere, Jay. I'm here to stay."

Jay lets out a breath, his lips curling upward. "Careful, you won't be able to get rid of me after this."

Hailey huffs out a laugh, "That's the plan."

She looks up to him and almost shivers to what she sees in his stormy blue eyes, longing and something dangerously akin to love that she knows mirrors what Jay must be seeing in hers. And a promise, that one day, when the circumstances let them, when they heal, when they are better, they will allow themselves to act upon what they tiptoe around. She leads him to the bed. They drown in a peaceful sleep, wrapped around each other, temporary solace from the cold outside world.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Thanks for reading, hope you liked. I might write a bit more stories in that same universe, hopefully during summer. **

* * *

**oOo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, thank you so much for your reviews, really appreciate it. so happy there are more and more people writing for upstead, we need all the fics we can get to survive this hiatus from hell so good on us for that. as i said before these two own me and i couldnt stop writing for them, so here's another chapter in the same universe as chap 1. this one takes place before chapter 1. A good two months before, and comes just after the s6 finale. Anyways without further ado. Thi is unbetaed , all mistakes are mine. **

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Kelton's death is the proverbial opening of the Pandora's Box, bringing chaos with it.

The unit gets disbanded, to the satisfaction of the long list of enemies Voigt accumulated through time. The temporary penance for going against the established order. The sergeant and Jay are the only ones left from Intelligence. Burgess is transferred to Vice, Ruzek is released and heads to Robbery/Homicide, Atwater to Gangs.

And Hailey goes to Narcotics.

The news sends Jay into a silent panic. He puts two and two together and realizes Kate Brennan is behind all of it, pushing the moving pieces to build a new order from the void created by Kelton's untimely, and very much convenient death. So he decides to bypass the middle man and goes straight to Brennan to ask for his own transfer to Narcs. Brennan gives him a look that is a mix a pity and amusement before grinning and saying no. That's when Jay realizes Voigt knew and why he was the only one salvaged from the unit being ripped apart.

_This unit will be yours one day. Do it the right way_

Anger boils in his veins when he stops by Voigt's. He unleashes it on him, tired of being coddled, of being used as a pawn for power play, of being kept in the dark because he might not be able to handle it. So Voigt tells him everything. Antonio's fatal mistake, Adam's decision to be the new self-sacrificing Al, Internal Affairs involvement.

As he listens to Voigt, a thought lingers, gnaws at Jay's mind, when he puts all the pieces into place. He remembers the day he found out about Hailey and Adam. She must have known. She must have wanted to protect Adam from covering for Antonio. Of course. A voice inside reminds him that she doesn't owe him anything, that they are only partners, that it was not her place to tell him. Reluctant acceptance weighs heavy on his shoulders and a defeated smile tugs at his lips, as he finally sits in Voigt's living room, the fight drained out of him.

"So what's the play?" Jay quietly asks, trying to push away any thought of Hailey and Adam in the recess of his mind.

"We stay patient, this is a long game. We need to help Antonio get cleared. And get some new people in the Unit to help out before we get everyone back."

"Take Rixton," Jay says. "He might be the only recruit we'll be allowed to choose."

"How do you know that?"

Jay settles sharp eyes on Voigt, who stays silent. "Because if I were Brennan, that's what I would do."

Voigt nods, not only in acquiescence, but also to acknowledge Jay's silent words. _Underestimate me again at your own risk_.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

It's their last night as a unit, so they spend it at Molly's. Some of the CFD guys drop by their table to commiserate with them. The mood is sullen and Hailey feels like she's suffocating.

Going to Narcs was not what she envisioned for her future. Flashes of her previous undercover work fill her mind, leaving a sour taste in her mouth no amount of alcohol can cleanse. She glances at a silent Jay who meets her eyes and offers a faint, tired smile. This only feeds the dread quietly building inside her. Jay seems to bear the physical toll of all their emotions and, she presumes, some guilt for being the one spared. Hailey prays he doesn't spiral again. He's been better lately but not out of the woods yet. His eyes are still haunted by the ghosts of war, he hides it better but it's still there if one knows where to look. He sometimes lets himself drown in overwhelming silences she has to drag him out of. Hailey makes a note to check on him every day.

Antonio left Chicago. He confessed to the IA agent and had to hand in his badge. He relocated with his family to New Jersey. Kim took it the hardest, and Adam and Kevin consoled her for the better part of their evening at the bar. Even Voigt came to their last drink with Trudy, asking them to hang tough, telling them he was working on bringing everyone back soon. The only problem is no one knows when soon would be.

2 am is the rallying call for the former Intelligence unit to say their goodbye. Everyone hugs, offering promises to keep in touch, promises they hope won't be empty.

And as always, Jay and Hailey gravitate toward each other, willing prisoner of each other's orbit, as they stay behind, after everyone leaves, taking in the cool night air, settling into a moment that feels heavy with loss.

Hailey turns to Jay. His eyes meet hers, and it almost seems like he's closing into himself, body preparing for impact, shoulders hunched and hands shoved inside his jeans pockets.

It spurs her to reach out to him, her hand giving a gentle, reassuring squeeze to his forearm.

"It's not like we're not seeing each other again, Jay."

"I know," he concedes, and they stay locked in each other's presence, hoping to convey through their eyes all the things they'd rather be left unsaid.

Hailey takes another step closer, not letting go of his arm. "Promise me you will take care of yourself."

Jay's smile reaches his eyes this time. "Please be careful," he offers instead

Hailey rolls her eyes. "I always am. You, on the other hand…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever."

They chuckle at his words, but remain rooted to the spot, as if time is standing still. Hailey is trapped between the urge to run away from Jay's piercing eyes, whose quiet warmth overwhelms her, and the need to hold him in her arms and hope for everything to be okay.

She does neither. "It doesn't mean our thing has to stop. I'll always be here if you need to talk."

This time it's Jay who steals close, making her heart wildly hammer in her ribcage. He stands a breath away from her. He opens his mouth but the words seem to be stuck inside his throat. He swallows then, lips pinched into a thin line, and reaches out, tucking some loose blond strands behind her ear. The soft brush of his thumb on her cheek makes her shiver.

His hand settles on her shoulder, and Jay gives it a light squeeze, gaze boring into her eyes.

"Likewise, please don't be a stranger."

A rueful smile is the only answer Hailey can muster, as she desperately tries to pacify her poor heart. She playfully hits his shoulder with her fist, clamping down on feelings they both have no use for, not now.

"Don't think you can get rid of me that easy, Halstead."

Jay barks out a laugh and nods. He offers a final squeeze of her shoulder that she echoes with one of her own on his arm and they let go. Silence and space stretch between them as they stare one more time at each other.

Hailey draws a breath and takes a step back. "Talk to you tomorrow?"

Jay gives her a mock salute and Hailey grins before tearing herself away from his pull, heading toward her car, fighting against the pit in her stomach that makes their goodbye feel like a farewell.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

"So, how's Hailey..." Rixton carefully tries to ask

"None of your damn business," Jay bites back.

Rixton grumbles under his breath, rolling his eyes, and takes a sip of some needed strong black coffee. They've been cooped up in Jay's truck for the major part of an hour, waiting for his CI. To say his new partner was on edge is the understatement of the century, Rixton's witnessed many of Jay's moods during his short first stint in Intelligence but he's never seen him this somber. Jay could be a hardass sometimes but he was mostly pretty easy going when Rixton met him, and, for all the heavy cases they faced, he never forgot to smile or crack some jokes, or open up his walls a bit, especially around Erin.

Not this new version of Jay. The Jay he finds after coming back is all sharp edges, cutting remarks, and heavy silences. Even Voigt has to sometimes tiptoe around him when he gets too sullen. This happens mostly when he receives news of his ex-partner, Hailey Upton, the new recruit from Narcs.

Rixton hears she is a pretty good cop and it seems Jay formed a strong bond with her before the whole Kelton deal and Intelligence being dismantled to be reformed under Kate Brennan's supervision. Voigt has kept his promise of bringing the team back together, so they all returned to their unit one by one. All but Upton, to Jay's visible dismay, and Rixton's taking the brunt of his subdued anger. On a daily basis.

She's been tapped to go undercover to catch one of Chicago's biggest drug supplier, the head of a Dominican drug ring that spans statewide. The mission is sensitive, so she's not allowed any external contact except from her supervising officer and the Narc team.

The appointment of another officer who's pretty much a Brennan plant in the team did not help alleviate the tension that still simmered in the Intelligence bullpen, to Rixton's growing annoyance. He's starting to regret saying yes to Voigt. But he likes the kid, as closed off as Jay has become, Rixton sees some part of himself in him. That's why he tries again.

"So I suppose you got some news from her undercover stint…"

Jay huffs a sharp breath, but Rixton takes it as a victory that he doesn't shut him down again. "They said she was fine."

"Well, there you go then"

He catches Jay's _'are you fucking kidding me right now'_ look and raises his eyebrows in question.

"Oh yeah, that's make me feel so much better," he snickers. "This is Narcs we're talking about. You could have your head cut off from your body and they'd still say you're fine. Fine means not in the grave yet."

Rixton shakes his head. "Look, man, from what I heard, she's a pretty great cop, I'm sure she can take care of herself –"

"What are you trying to do right now?"

"I'm trying to get your ass to chill a bit, dammit," Rixton snaps at last. "It's been almost two months since she's been undercover and all I got from you is attitude, one syllable answers and more fucking attitude. She's gonna be fine. Don't you even trust her abilities?"

This makes Jay deflate like a balloon. "Sorry, man, I'm just-"

"Scared for your partner, angry that everyone got back but her, I get it. But you gotta trust that she knows what she's doing. That's part of the job."

Rixton watches as Jay takes a calming breath, exhaling his frustration. Jay turns to him and nods. Rixton gives him a fist bump and continues seeping his coffee.

"Hey Kenny?"

Rixton turns to Jay who looks down at his hands.

"Thanks."

Rixton smirks and finishes his drink. "You got it, man. Now can you tell me why your CIs are always fucking divas? We've been here for hours."

This earns a chuckle from Jay and Rixton pats himself on the back for easing the tension in the car. He just hopes they get Hailey back as fast as possible. He can't take another month of partnering with this Jay.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

"Your boyfriend says hi by the way."

Hailey has to suppress the urge to roll her eyes at her supervisor. "For the last time, he's not my boyfriend."

"Oh yeah? Well, apparently he didn't get the memo."

They're nestled in a narrow street of the south side, Hailey reporting to her supervising Officer, Gina Ramirez. It's been almost two months and she's more than ready to shed the skin of her undercover persona. She misses being herself again, away from the leering stares of the drug dealers, and the constant paranoia infecting her brain, locking her muscles in preparation for fight or flight. She misses getting to unwind every night after a hard day. She misses Jay.

"Did you tell Halstead I was ok?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't prevent him from sniffing all around this case. The last thing we need is Voigt and Intelligence getting into this. I've worked too long on this for Voigt to swoop in and get all the glory"

Hailey sighs. She hates office politics. It only seems to have gotten worse since Brennan got exonerated and replaced Kelton as superintendent. "They won't, I don't think Brennan will let them."

"We'll see," Detective Ramirez grumbles, assessing the footage from Hailey's hidden camera. She seems satisfied and looks up, eyes alight with mischief. "Next time your Halstead guy contacts one of my team, we'll just tell him you got killed in action."

"Ha, ha, very funny, Gina," Hailey glares at the now smirking Detective.

"Yeah well, funny or not, we're getting close. So keep your head in the game. We can't afford to lose Castillo right now. He's been on everyone's radar, DEA, FBI, you name it. This is our last chance to catch the son of a bitch."

"I know," Hailey cuts, exasperated. She tries to shake off the apprehension taking hold of her every time she thinks of how close she must remain to the violent drug lord.

Ramirez seems to hesitate on her next words, studying her and Hailey gives a questioning look. "Anything you want me to tell the boyfriend?"

Hailey swallows, heart beating a touch faster. Her tongue is heavy with all she wants to say and makes it hard to speak.

"Tell him –", she starts before stopping herself.

Tell him to take care of himself.

Tell him he's not alone.

Tell him to stop worrying so much, tell him to try to get some sleep, tell him to talk to Will.

Tell him that, all that happened to him, none of it is his fault.

Hailey lets out a sigh, shaking her head to have a better hold of her jumbled thoughts. She meets Gina's eyes, trying her best to school her features into a nonchalant mask, but one look at her supervisor and she knows the wall she wants to hide behind is full of cracks.

"Tell him I'm okay. That I'm really okay."

Gina's smile has less bite than Hailey braced herself for. "Got it that bad, huh?"

Hailey rolls her eyes. "I'll see you in a week"

Gina nods, "Try not to get yourself killed by then."

Hailey replies with a wry smile, giving a mock salute and leaves, heading back to Chicago's seedy underworld.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

A murder they're investigating is tied to Hailey's case. One upper comer, Joshua Stanton, looking to set up a competitive supply network seemed to ruffle too many feathers and got dispatched by Castillo's cartel. Unfortunately for the drug lord, that upper comer was from a rich North Side's white suburbia family so Brennan requested all hands on deck. This is the opening Jay's been waiting to get into Hailey's case.

The homicide is their way in into the cartel and one of them has to go undercover. Adam is the usual go to guy but Jay asks to get the assignment instead. The bullpen fills with nervous silence when Jay volunteers and all eyes turn to Voigt. Jay knows the Sergeant's pissed from the cold stare aimed at him but he holds his gaze, unflinching.

Since that meeting at Voigt's home after Kelton's death, Jay's been more assertive in the way some cases should be run, not hesitating to speak against Voigt's orders and methods, with Rixton playing more often than not the role of referee between the sergeant and his former protégé. And, to his surprise, more often than not, Rixton sides with Jay. However, Jay's pretty sure no one will back him up on this, he's well aware what they are all thinking so loud right now that no word needs to be uttered. He's going to fuck it up the second he sees Hailey.

"This is a sensitive operation," Voigt says and Jay suppresses a sneer at how transparent they all are. "Narcs are pissed enough that we got a piece of this, I don't need emotions to mess this up."

Jay snickers, swallowing a snide reply, bristling at the patronizing words. "I hear you, but with all due respect Sarge, I don't need to be told how to do my job. As for emotions, even though these last few weeks I've been a-," and he turns to Rixton, "what did you call me again the other day?"

"A shitty ass ball of rage," Kenny quips

"A shitty ass ball of rage," Jay repeats to Voigt, earning chuckles from the rest of the team and making the Sergeant smirk, "I still did my job and our clearance rate is even better than before Kelton was around. So you need a better reason to stop me from going."

The tension is almost tangible in the room, detectives and officers seemingly holding their breath as they witness the tug of war between the two.

A few loaded seconds pass, and Voigt heaves a conceding sigh. "Fine. But you better not fuck this up for us."

"I won't," Jay retorts, smug.

"Oh I know," Voigt counters back, seemingly piqued at Jay's words. "Because if you do, Hailey is gonna get hurt. And you'll have no one else to blame but you."

If looks could kill, Jay's glare would have cut through Voigt right there and then.

Rixton sighs, wondering if there's still a possibility to change units.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Her heart stops when she spots him and it takes every ounce of experienced control not to slip up in her role. Hailey curses internally, she hasn't been able to contact Gina the past week, but her supervisor should have at least found a way to let her know he would be coming. To at least prepare her heart from what seeing him again, after so long, would do to her.

Hailey inhales a sharp breath as Castillo voice cuts through the music of the nightclub, beckoning her to come meet Jay, who seems to pose as a new potential buyer. She plasters a fake haughty smile on her lips and settles her eyes into an impassive look, before striding toward the secluded part of the club, where business is concluded.

She feels his stare burn a path on the skin exposed by her short, backless dress, and her stomach is abuzz with butterflies. His eyes stop at her hair, and Hailey almost smirks at his barely concealed surprise. She had to cut it above the shoulders and color the edges fiery red to blend in better and be noticeable enough to catch the eye of her target. Well, more his target's daughter's.

Hailey avoids his gaze, meeting Castillo's sharp assessing stare instead. The second she would lock eyes with Jay, both their covers will be blown. She offers a bored look, as if piqued.

"This better be good," Hailey snarls.

Castillo, smiles snakelike and Hailey suppresses a disgusted shiver. "Why? Got better things to do?"

"Yes," she quips. "A pretty brunette ready to eat in my hand, and me later."

Castillo and his Pretorian guard erupt in laughter, before he turns to a seemingly amused Jay. "Can you believe that a woman as gorgeous as her is gay? Imagine how disappointed my guys were when they learned she didn't swing their way."

"I think I can take a guess," Jay snickers, glancing at her before his eyes dart back to their mark. "Didn't know you were hiring pretty girls as partners."

Hailey huffs an annoyed breath, taking a seat at the edge of the room, near the door, across from Jay.

Castillo chuckles, nodding. "I only hired this one because she has brains to go with that pretty face. And she saved my daughter's life. So that's always a plus."

"Lucky you then," Jay picks up his drink and meets her eyes over the rim of his glass. A shiver traces her spine and makes her cross her legs shut. Hailey averts his stare, leaning more comfortably in the club chair instead. She plays with her hair and raises a questioning unimpressed brow toward Castillo.

The drug lord relents, sobering up. "Ugh fine. I just wanted you to meet our new friend. An ex client of our dear Joshua."

It clicks then. Of course, Joshua was killed by one of Castillo's men as he was starting to creep into his territory. His murder must have been investigated by Intelligence. No wonder Gina was saying they were sniffing around their case, the big fish that is Castillo got even bigger if you could tie him to the murder of rich white wannabee drug dealing brat.

"And a potential one for us?" Hailey prods, finally settling her stare on Jay.

It's been awhile since she's seen him in a suit and she is reminded how good he looks. The one he's wearing is a sharp, tailor made, all black attire, hugging his broad shoulders, accentuating his lean yet sturdy frame and eliciting more than a couple of interested female glances his way. She has to rule her body under control when he holds her gaze, his eyes darkening with something that feels like barely repressed hunger.

Jay seems to take pity on her when he nods, glancing then toward Castillo. "That's the plan yes. My clientele is pretty demanding in terms of quality and Josh had a good product. Now I got a bunch of hooked up rich kids blowing up my phone so they can get their fix. And since I'm not in the babysitting business, I need some good shit. Fast."

Castillo turns to Hailey, eyes dancing with greed. "What do you think?"

Hailey narrows her eyes, as if suspicious. "Depends, we run a tight ship and Joshua was known for being sloppy and having even sloppier buyers."

"True. And with his murder the last thing we need is the cops sniffing around here," Castillo echoes, sending a sceptic look toward Jay.

Hailey watches as Jay smirks, turning the charm to 100. "Wow, so you're telling me a bunch of Chicago cops are enough to scare you out of a deal?"

This makes Castillo stiffen, the atmosphere shifts and his men straighten, ready to pounce on Jay. Hailey could kill him on the spot, with his knack of playing with fire. Jay however seems to play it cool, a feral grin twisting his lips, as he leans forward, sending a challenging, almost patronizing glare toward Castillo.

The silence grows taut in the room, almost as deafening as the techno music pounding the walls.

At long last, Castillo bursts out laughing. "Our friend here makes a point," he lets out after a few chuckles, the tight coil in Hailey's stomach loosens a bit and she snickers, shaking her head.

"Ok then," she says, trying to steer the conversation back to a potential buy, and hopefully the final trap needed to nail Castillo. "How much are we talking about? Cause it better be one hell of a deal."

Jay offers Hailey a genuine smile whose warmth she feels inside her bones. "Only the best deal for such a pretty face."

Castillo turns to Hailey as Jay continues staring at her. "Looks like you hooked another one into your net."

Hailey smirks, holding Jay's gaze. "It was almost too easy."

The deal is set.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

They get Castillo, not without efforts. But they get him, despite the deal being blown off by one of his suspicious right hand men who realizes that it is a trap, although too late. Both Narcs and Intelligence rain fire on Castillo and his team.

The shootout is a long one, Jay's heart pounds in his ears as he seeks Hailey's position, eyes scanning his surrounding to catch a flash of short blond and fiery red hair. He's busy returning fire when he misses one shooter sneak behind him, he hears the man cocking his rifle and his heart stops, veins turning cold before the loud shrill of a gunshot rings in his ears.

He turns to find the man at his feet, blood pooling underneath the body. Jay looks up and sees Hailey standing a couple of feet from them, eyes fierce and deadly, blue tendrils fleeting away from the gun she's holding.

The world stops, as if holding its breath. Jay stays frozen, heart growing three sizes, filling to the brim with an overwhelming mix of relief, need, happiness, that it threatens to burst inside him. Hailey stays rooted to the spot, meeting his eyes, her blue pupils painting an echo to what he feels and she slowly grins at him.

The seconds tick and everything restarts again, sound filling the muffled bubble they were shrouded in. Jay's about to run and hug the life out of Hailey but he's stopped by the loud steps coming from his right. He turns, quick and sharp, gun at the ready when he sees Kim flash past him and almost tackle Hailey in a tight hug. Both women cling to each other, Hailey chuckling as Kim bursts in tears and Jay's lips curl into a wide grateful smile.

It isn't long before the rest of the Intelligence unit joins them, crowding Hailey, embracing her and it tells him that each in their own way felt her absence almost as much as he did. It all goes too fast however as Narcs butt in the reunion, Gina and Voigt entering a heated discussion on who gets to gloat about getting Castillo.

This sobers everyone up and Jay sidles toward Hailey, unable to rid himself of the smile that erupted on his face, his cheeks almost aching, but it is a good ache. He bumps his shoulder against hers, and she responds with a playful fist against his arm. He lifts his hand and brushes his fingers against the short red edges of her hair, Hailey's eyes never leaving his.

"I like it," he says, before curling his lips into a mischievous smirk. "So do we call you Swiftie now?" he adds wiggling his eyebrows.

This earns him a punch to his bulletproof vest followed by the trademark Hailey eye roll and he laughs, still awestruck to be in her presence, grateful to have her here, with him. Her hand stays on his vest, her stare turning warm and relieved. He takes her hand in his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze, letting her know that they're back.

The muted smile she offers is the air he needed to start breathing again.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Getting her back to intelligence is a battle. Hailey would have been flattered that her work was so much appreciated by Narcs, if she didn't absolutely want to get back to her unit, her people. So she guards her heart against any hope, trying to put things in perspective. Ramirez is ready to go to war with Voigt if it means keeping her. Jay is ready to go to war with them both, hell the whole upper echelon if needs be.

He tells her as much when they share a drink late at night after the celebratory dinner they have with Will at Jay's place.

"You're not going back," Jay states, firm, after Will innocently asks about Hailey's future plans. His brother seems to sense his shift in mood and excuses himself to go get the dessert, sharing a raised eyebrow with Hailey who imperceptibly shakes her head.

"That's not really up to either of us. It depends on Brennan," Hailey tries to reason, but she cannot explain away how important it is to her that Jay is willing to fight for her.

"I don't care, you're not going back," Jay repeats, eyes locking with hers, his fingers lightly tapping the table, a breath away from hers, as if debating whether to touch.

Hailey takes his hand in his, offering a soft smile, hoping to convey how grateful she is to have him be there for her. Jay brushes his thumb against her knuckles, as if reading her mind. She missed this, she missed that silent connection that grounded her.

The barely buried feelings that he always seems to wheedle out of her threaten to come back to the surface and it scares her. Hailey lets go of his hand just as Will's steps get closer, making Jay frown before retreating behind a cool façade and a dimmed smile. If the surgeon saw anything he doesn't make any mention of it.

They finish their dinner laughing at Will's Med stories.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Voigt ends up winning the battle with Narcs. Jay is pretty sure he had to make another deal with Brennan, the Superintendent getting even more ammunitions to keep the whole unit under her thumb. It's a sacrifice he's willing to take, but he still thanks Voigt personally, promising to be less of the brat he's been the past months. Voigt only chuckles, reminding him he's not the only one Hailey is important to.

"She's family now," the Sergeant says and Jay nods. Something in Voigt's eyes makes him narrow his eyes however.

"What?"

"Nothing, just to let you know that even though Hailey's back, you're still gonna be riding with Rixton"

"The fuck?" Jay huffs an annoyed breath " Why?"

"Cause I'm the boss, that's why."

Jay throws his hands in frustration, ready to argue but Voigt cuts him short, amusement fading from his features.

"Look Jay, emotions have been running high since that shit that happened with Kelton. And I'm not just talking about you. All of us had to go through it. We need to stabilize the unit, and with the plant Brennan has put in the office, I don't want to give her any more opportunity to have the jump on us. Brennan is good, she played me like a fiddle during that whole Kelton deal. And her M.O is pretty simple. Find the weakness and pounce on it. Don't show them how much of a weakness Hailey is to you."

His words stun Jay into silence, as he reads between the lines, deciphering what Voigt wants to say. He lets out a breath and nods. "Thank you Sarge."

"You got it. Like I said before, my job is to protect you."

"As long as you let us do the same for you," Jay counters, raising a pointed eyebrow.

Voigt answers with a smirk. "I learned my lesson from what happened with Antonio."

"Good." Jay says and leaves the Sergeant's office.

He bumps into Rixton in the breakroom, letting him now that he's still partnering with him, per Voigt's order.

Rixton chortles, and Jay rolls his eyes. Rixton laughs harder before he takes a breath, "So sorry for coming in between your star crossed love, man."

"Shut up Rixton."

The older detective snorts, reveling in Jay's annoyance as he follows him to his truck so they go catch more bad guys.

His barely restrained laugh ends up making Jay chuckle. This must be payback for him being an asshole for the two months. But Jay doesn't mind.

Hailey's back. And he's breathing again.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Hope you like. And look I love Rixton so the only way the show and its sometimes dumb writers can make up for messing up Antonio's character is to give me Rixton back. **

**Anyways, thanks for reading. Next update might take a bit more time because it will be an emotionally and action heavy one so let's say two weeks. Cheers.**

**oOo**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone, sorry i took longer than expected to update. Work has been killing me as well as this chapter. so this was supposed to be one chapter but it got way too long , like around 13k too long so i had to cut it in two. no worries no cliffhanger so this can be read as a standalone chapter, next update should be either this friday or definitely Monday depending on the amount of real life work. Anyways i ramble. This and all the chapters to come will chronologically continue from chap 1. it's kind of how i see upstead getting together. all mistakes are mine cause this is unbetaed and thank you so much for all your reviews, very much appreciated and great source of motivation. So, without further ado ...**

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Burgess downs her third shot and they've only been at Molly's for half an hour. Hailey raises her eyebrows and shares a look with Platt. Platt just shrugs and Hailey nods in response, preparing for taking a very drunken Kim home.

In the 3 months she's been back she can attest how tighter the unit has become, as if having gone through the Kelton ordeal made them stronger as a team, akin to a family. However, like any family, they go through ups and downs.

Hailey's up has been having Jay back in her life. With this came the onslaught of feelings he elicits, spooling around her heart. Their forced separation was another reality check, the second one. The first being when he got shot and she thought she lost him. And it seems it's been one for Jay as well. Their bond is stronger, their eyes always searching for, and finding each other's, a reassurance that the other one is there, Jay's presence like a warm protective blanket she clings to.

It makes a part of her glad that Voigt separated them. They don't talk about it, that thing between them that shifted, that grows and grows each day, watered to life by the silent certainty what they have goes beyond being partners. They don't talk about it, to Hailey's relief. Don't even really acknowledge it. They have too many personal demons, part of the fabric of their very bones, still too heavy to carry by themselves, let alone add to anyone's burden. But it feels good to know that amid all the daily chaos, they have a place to feel safe and home in each other. So Hailey lets it be what it should be for now, just a warm, electric current that simmers under the surface, an elephant in the room they've learned to live with and sometimes find solace in.

In hindsight, their unspoken decision to not act on those feelings proves a great one, especially when Kim and Adam decide to give their relationship another go. Office romances are complicated enough as they are, to have not one but two for poor Voigt to manage in the same unit. Everyone is either unsurprised or genuinely happy for Kim and Adam. Hailey is both, and for a short while it seems that everything's fallen into place and the world is back on its axis. Until it isn't.

Which brings Hailey to now, as she and Platt try to console a teary but brave faced Kim, after her breakup with Adam. Hailey is a bit fuzzy on the details and reasons, but she's sure of one thing. As much as she cares for Adam, he's an idiot for letting Kim go for a second time. She tells Kim as much as her friend slams her fifth shot on the bar. That gets Hailey a sloppy kiss on the cheek and a tight hug from Kim, making Platt chuckle.

Kim lets her go to ask for another round, and Hailey just shrugs at Stella's amused look. Let Burgess be Burgess for tonight. Another shot and Kim makes a move to the restroom. Hailey shares a look with Platt who rolls her eyes and guides the youngest member of intelligence further back into the bar. Hailey's lips twitch against the ghost of a smile, she shakes her head and takes a sip of her drink.

"Wow, Burgess sure can hold her liquor"

Hailey's fond grin fades as she pulls away from the voice behind her. Brian McLoughlin. Or The Plant as everyone in the unit calls him. Brennan's not so subtle Trojan horse that keeps the unit on its metaphorical toes. Hailey's been the only one to be somewhat civil with him. At first. Mainly because once she was also the odd one out. That stopped when he tried to make a pass at her however and she rebuffed him with enough firm words for him to get the message. At least, she hopes he did.

Hailey turns to find him staring at her, his mouth half curled into a faint, smarmy smile, as he leans against the bar. His eyes dart toward Kim and Platt retreating silhouettes, before reverting back to Hailey.

"It's good to see there's no beef between you too," he says as he takes a swig of the beer he's been holding.

Hailey frowns, a touch puzzled at his words. Her stomach tightens however when his grin spreads wide, turning snake like, her instinct ringing alarm bells inside her head.

"I mean, fucking her ex fiancé behind her back wouldn't be the best way to start a friendship, amiright? So much for girl code."

Hailey freezes, the crude words exploding like silent bullets in the air. She has to take a breath, balling her hands into fists, to rein in her anger.

"Excuse me," are the only words she's able to choke out, eyes blazing.

It only makes McLoughlin snort, unfazed, even spurred on by her response. He straightens, towering over her. Something ugly colors his pupils, a faded echo to what she saw in Booth's eyes, that New Year's eve, when he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"I mean, at least it wasn't a career move, right" McLoughlin snorts, and Hailey stands up, body ready to pounce. She knows he's goading her into making a mistake, into giving him enough ammo to jam her up with Brennan. Hailey knows, it's the only reason he's not on the floor nursing a broken nose.

"Although not the best pattern," she hears him rattle on. "First your ex sergeant, then your ex-partner, Garrett, right? And then our boy Adam, not even a detective, mind you. Who's next? The patrol guy-"

The words are cut short when her fist collides with his jaw and he stumbles down in a crash of broken glass and upturned stools. The trickles of blood beading from his nostrils are temporary satisfaction Hailey soaks up, as she readies herself to beat the living shit out of him.

"You fucking bitch," McLoughlin snarls, scrambling to his feet but he is stopped by Otis and Cruz, the CFD guys coming out of nowhere to hold off the detective. They don't however take into account the ball of rage that Hailey has turned into as she moves forward and lands another well placed hit on McLoughlin's nose. The crack of bones against her knuckles sends a thrill running through her.

Fury roars in her ears and smothers any other sound as she sees red. She barely registers being yanked backwards, Stella appearing in her line of sight to ask her to calm down while her eyes stay glued to the retreating form of McLoughlin being kicked out of the bar. In seconds, she is crowded by Kim and Platt, eyes wide, darting between her and the bar's entrance.

"Upton, are you ok?" she finally hears, and she inhales a sharp breath, her mind wiggling out of the memories of Booth, the dark glint in McLoughlin's eyes, the acrid taste of the fear she drowned in that night. She is dredged out of her almost violent trance when Platt grabs her hands and checks her bleeding knuckles.

"Upton!" Platt says more forceful and she's back, the jolt of pain from the pressure on bruised fingers is a slap back to reality.

"I'm fine," Hailey hears herself say, but her voice is still smothered by her blood boiling, pounding like a war drum against her temples, and her muscles still locked in, ready to fight.

"Like hell you are!" Platt has to cup Hailey's face between her palms, making her look at her, so Hailey can start to even her breathing. "Upton, listen to me. Breathe, you have to breathe, in and out, come on"

Hailey does as ordered, she wills her heart to stop hammering wildly in her chest, she tells herself she's ok, she's safe, he can't hurt her, she's safe, Trudy is here with her. Hailey blinks, once, twice, and takes a lungful of air and she can feel her shoulders relieve themselves of the tightness that took over her. Her heartbeats steady little by little. Platt doesn't let go of her until Hailey locks clear eyes with her and nods.

"Ok, let's get you and Kim home."

Hailey still can't speak. Her tongue is heavy and the lump in her throat is her body betraying her attempt at composure. Stella cradles her into a hug before she is ushered into Platt's car with a quickly sobering Kim.

She doesn't talk when Kim and Platt follow her into her home, when they tend to her still trembling hands.

Her voice only comes back when she says no to going to the hospital and then insists they stay the night. Platt must see her desperation not to be alone, not with poisonous anger still infecting her veins.

They stay with her, the solace she needs to will the temporary madness away, coaxing her heart to pacify and water down the rage still burning hot in her belly.

Hailey is back to herself when the first rays of sunlight summon her awakened demons away. The cold shower is a salve that rubs out the remnants of rage that still stained her mind. She schools her features into her usual composed quietly self-assured self and heads out of her bedroom to face Platt and Kim.

"So, Xena Warrior Princess," Platt starts after a sip of morning coffee and Kim snorts before frowning, grimacing against a seeming headache.

This makes Hailey chuckle, tension ebbing away as they circle the kitchen island, enjoying a quick breakfast before heading to work.

"Mind to tell us what happened last night?"

Hailey swallows bitter black coffee, and looks up to meet Platt's inquisitive eyes. "McLoughlin said something he shouldn't have and got decked for it. End of story."

Her tone brooks no argument and both Platt and Kim seem to get her message. She doesn't want to talk about it.

"You know that won't be the end for Brennan though," Platt warns as she drops her cup in the sink.

"I know," Hailey sighs

Kim reaches out and squeezes her arm. "You got him good though"

Platt snickers, "Dumbass will think twice before even looking at you. Gotta say you made me proud Goldilocks"

Hailey's lips tug upward into a slight smirk. "Come on, let me drop you guys off to get changed before heading to work. I got a feeling it will be a long day."

Platt surprises her by giving her a quick side hug.

"Hang in there Upton. You know we got your back." And Kim nods, bumping her shoulder.

This time Hailey's smile is a real, grateful one. She files this moment in the back of her mind, a memory to go back to on rainy days, and they leave her apartment for another day of police work.

As Hailey predicts, the day has the makings of being a long and shitty one. It starts with a talk with Voigt in his office, letting her know Brennan has requested to meet her after her shift for a talk about last night's incident. Hailey's embarrassed enough that her personal life needs to be discussed with her boss, let alone the goddamn superintendent. Voigt tells her to keep her chin up, she didn't do anything wrong and to not let Brennan get to her. And that they all got her back. She really hopes the incident doesn't become public knowledge to which Voigt snorts with almost pity. Office gossip is even worse than regular gossip.

She's relieved to get an assignment out of the precinct with a still hungover Kim. The last thing she needs is to come face to face with McLoughlin and have to talk to Jay about what happened. Kim seems to share her eagerness to spend the day out on the streets, not ready to face Adam just yet.

They're in the northern side of Chicago, surveilling an abandoned warehouse, noting any movement. McLoughlin's words keep replaying in Hailey's mind, hurtful boomerangs that come back every time she tries to push them away. She can feel her anger creep back inside her, her hands balling into fists.

"Hails, you ok?"

Kim's voice is the anchor that brings her back to reality. Hailey blinks, the world reframing onto itself and she turns to meet her partner's concerned eyes. She nods, trying to offer a reassuring smile but it doesn't do the trick. Kim's slight frown attests to it. She doesn't push it though, as silence settles back between them and Hailey is grateful for that.

The words continue to gnaw at her, corroding her heart, anger starting to give way to guilt, and Hailey needs to let it out because she'll be damned if she lets McLoughlin win.

"I didn't know you were engaged," she blurts out and Kim snaps her attention back to her, raising her eyebrows. Hailey pushes the words out, as heavy as they feel inside her throat. "I didn't know it was _that_ serious between you and Adam."

"Hailey," Kim hesitates, seemingly at a loss of words, "What? Where is this coming from? Wait, is it what that bastard said to you last night?"

Hailey shrugs. "Some of it, yeah, fuck him he's an asshole, but-"

"There's no but, you did nothing wrong-"

'"I shouldn't have done it behind your back, I should have told you-"

"No, you didn't need to, Adam and I were broken up and I was with Blair and if anything, Adam should have been the one to tell me. He's the one I had history with, not you."

"Yeah but I still want to apologize. So there, I really didn't know and I'm sorry you had to learn about us that way."

Kim huffs, seemingly frustrated. She completely turns to face Hailey, eyes firm yet full of warmth. "I will say this one last time. We. Are. Good," Kim drives her words home by lightly punching Hailey's arm at every word, as if to will her to believe them. "Clear?"

Hailey offers a weak smile in response, Kim's certainty breathing some relief inside her.

"And don't let McShitty get to you. The only reason he said this is because you turned him away."

"Yeah well, apparently I'm starting to get a reputation," Hailey sighs, doubts clouding her mind.

"The only reputation you have is that you're a great cop and that's that. Don't listen to the other shit some of these guys are saying, it's worthless, they're worthless and they only say this because they're weak."

Hailey smirks and gives a questioning look when Kim sends a mischievous smile her way. "Besides, that bastard won't know what hit him when Jay gets his hands on him."

This sobers Hailey up, as she shakes her head. "Oh no, the last thing I need is Jay getting involved. There's enough drama going around and I don't want this to get blown up"

"You know Jay's not going to let this slide."

"He better. I can handle myself and hopefully the little shit got the message." Hailey's exhales her frustration as Kim shrugs, unconvinced.

Seconds pass and Hailey takes a deep calming breath, willing any of these thoughts away as she glances back at Kim. "Anyways, why are we talking about me? I should be comforting you after last night."

Kim's about to interrupt her but Hailey raises a silencing hand. "Number one, as much as I like Adam, and I think he's a genuine good guy, he's a dumbass for letting you go. The guy's a fucking idiot."

This makes Kim let out a giggle that turns into a contagious laugh infecting Hailey's mood, in a good way, in the best way, in the only way girl talks can.

"Men are so overrated," Kim breathes out when the laughter subsides.

"They definitely are."

"Not your Jay though"

"Please, for the love of God, let's not go there."

Kim snorts, rolling her eyes. "Sooner or later, you two are so going to go there."

Hailey has to fight against the grin forming on her lips, the automatic response that comes to her when she thinks of her former partner and their thing.

"We're not going anywhere"

"Yeah, right. And I'm Batman"

"No you are delusional," Hailey counters.

"And you are in denial," Kim sing-songs back.

Hailey shakes her head, a fond smaller smile still curling her lips, her heart skipping a beat as she lets herself contemplate that eventuality, slightly poke at the delicate bubble of this fantasy, before letting gravity pull her back to the real colder world of the here and now. "Seriously though, I don't think it's a good idea. After Adam, I think I'm done with office relationships for the time being."

Kim scoffs. "Hailey, stop punishing yourself for something you didn't do. You do whatever and whoever you want to, this will never change that you are a great cop."

"Thanks, but," Hailey buries familiar dangerous feelings under a layer of reason and logic. "I want to focus on me more, my work, my family," and she turns to Kim, not wanting to dampen the mood, "and being part of the baddest girl power duo ever"

"Ever in the history of ever," Kim chirps and Hailey bumps fists with her. "Fine, besides, you better let Jay know he's never going to get you back. You're mine now, I'm not trading you for anyone."

"Whaaat? Not even Kev"

"Okay you got me there, I love you but team Burgwater rules all."

"Burgwater, really?"

"Yeah, it's a thing, should trademark it before Trudy does"

Hailey laughs and Kim grins wide and true.

It's the little pick me up they need to get their head back on and heart steadier for the rest of the day.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

"What crawled up your ass and died today?"

Jay rolls his eyes at his partner's words and hands Rixton a cup of coffee, as he gets back into his truck. They're waiting for a potential witness who seems to be taking his sweet time to come back home. One more hour and they're out, Jay thinks. He hasn't seen Hailey the whole day, and he wouldn't normally be that fazed, but their partner brain thing is going in overdrive and it's telling him something's not right.

She was a bit cold this morning, only offering a quick hello instead of the usual banter they have before getting to work. Hell, he still found the breakfast, he makes a point of buying her every day since she got back, on her desk when he came back from lunch, as she seems to have spent the day out. He's texted her to check up on her and got a quick, short response that is so not Hailey.

His thoughts are pushed away as he can feel Rixton's stare burn a hole in his temple, and with a sigh Jay relents.

"I haven't seen Hailey all day," he shrugs, shaking his head. "I don't know, it feels like something was on her mind this morning. Just said hello and left with Burgess."

"Must be because of what happened last night"

Jay whips his head toward Rixton so fast, he's sure he can hear his neck groan in protest. "What happened last night?"

Rixton raises his brows, then screws his face into a grimace as if regretting his words. "Oh boy, she didn't tell you?"

Jay frowns, jaw clenched. "Tell me what?"

It's Rixton's turn to sigh, almost like a tired parent, and Jay would find it funny if he wasn't in alert mode, concern for Hailey making him tense.

"Ok first, stay calm"

"I am calm"

"See, that's not calm, not calm at all"

"Just spill it Rixton!"

And he does, sharing the gossip that has been spreading like wildfire through the precinct since morning.

If Jay was tense before, he's a ramrod now. His hands grip the wheel he's been lightly tapping before, seeing red. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't be an idiot, he's Brennan's lapdog. And it's not going to help Upton. She's already been summoned by Brennan, you really think you beating the shit out of that son of a bitch will help her case?"

Jay's shoulders drop a bit at Rixton's words, but his anger is still white hot, ready to burn everything.

"Besides, I heard Upton got him good. Broke his nose and gave him one big fat lip. That shit won't be bothering her again that's for sure."

This makes Jay feel marginally better, pride washes some of his anger away, a smirk settling on his lips. However it only fuels his need to see her, to make sure she's okay. McShitty is a big broad guy, if what Rixton said is true, she must have hurt her knuckles, by just breaking his nose.

Granted he knows Hailey is deceptively strong for her slight frame, he's seen her beat the shit out of some perps, she gave an absolute beating to Booth, one the scumbag won't forget, and almost choked one of her kidnappers to death. But still. Jay can't quell the protective streak Hailey always brings out of him, and his urge to gift Brennan's snitch another split lip courtesy of his fists is replaced by the almost physical need to be with Hailey, to hold her in his arms, let her know that he's got her back and face Brennan's wrath with her. She should have told him. Granted the son of a bitch would be dead by now but he would have been there for her, instead of stewing inside his car with Rixton on a dumb useless stakeout that won't give them anything anyway.

Rixton lets out a breath, but Jay doesn't pay him any mind.

"Fine," Rixton says, and Jay looks at him this time, frowning in surprise. "Let's get back to the precinct, you can wait for Upton there. I'll work on our reports."

Jay's struck silent, and Rixton snorts, shaking his head. He recovers his voice, offering a grateful nod. "Thanks, Kenny, I owe you."

"You do owe me alright. And let's be honest, our witness is not coming so this is useless."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Jay snickers.

He revs up the engine and speeds them back to the 21st precinct.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

The night lit streets of Chicago stare back at Hailey as she contemplates her fate waiting to be admitted in the Superintendent's office, like a little girl waiting for her reprimand. Her nerves are frayed, a mix of apprehension and anger coiling inside her belly, tension pulling her muscles taught.

The ivory tower is eerily quiet, devoid of the bustling little bees tending to the higher ups demands and needs, and Hailey has to suppress a shiver as she eyes the long corridor she's been made to wait in, painted with unnatural cold light, heavy silence feeding the fear chipping away at her resolve.

A few elongated minutes pass before the door finally opens, revealing a tired looking Brennan, whose eyes are not any less dissecting.

"Come on in," is her cold greeting before turning to her desk, leaving Hailey with a few precious seconds to take a long strengthening breath and gather her wits with her.

Hailey follows into her office, reining in her wonder at the magnificent view of Chicago displayed before her, floor to ceiling long windows offering a wide picture of the city she and her team swore to serve and protect.

"Take a seat," Brennan's voice tears Hailey away from the view and she settles herself in the seat across from the Superintendent, her desk as barrier between them. The older woman upraises Hailey, her head tilted to the side, assessing her for a few quiet seconds that raced with Hailey's increasingly fast heartbeats.

"So," Brennan starts and Hailey steels herself for the coming lecture. "You and McLoughlin gave quite a show last night. Almost as if people didn't have enough gripes against the CPD, its own detectives decide to get into a fist fight."

It takes everything in Hailey not to protest. Instead she swallows bitter anger and chooses her words carefully.

"It wasn't my intention to give a bad rap to the unit, but-"

"No need to tell me the whole story I already know," Brennan cuts Hailey's response short and her eyes almost dare her to say something. Hailey balls her hands into tight fists under the coat propped on her legs. She doesn't avert her eyes however, hoping to convey that she won't allow to be toyed with.

The Superintendent snorts, shaking her head. She removes her glasses, rubbing her eyes before putting them back on and looking at Hailey again.

"McLoughlin should have never said those things to you."

This time, Hailey cannot control her surprise, eyes widening at Brennan's words. The Superintendent only smirks as if expecting her reaction.

"Look, I know how hard this job is for women, hell any male dominated job for that matter, we've all been there…"

Hailey raises her eyebrows which makes Brennan chuckle, as she fixes her with a nonplussed look. "Do you think I didn't hear nasty stories about me and Kelton, just because I was good at my job? This is one of the worst parts of the job for us whether we like it or not. And last night, McLoughlin went too far."

Hailey nods, not trusting her voice. It feels good to know that she can still count on female solidarity, that she wasn't just left to fend for herself, even though she knows Brennan's sincerity is flimsy at best. Which is why she utters her next word.

"But…"

Brennan smiles, shark like, seemingly pleased at Hailey's awareness of the situation.

"But," Brennan echoes, straightening in her chair, leaning forward, her forearms on her desk, a School Principal ready to patronize her student. "The CPD, and your unit in particular, is in reconstruction. Intelligence has been through enough and definitely doesn't need any more incidents or, how can I say this," and she pauses, making a show of searching for her words, "_relationship woes_ to add to the daily hassle."

Hailey bristles at the Superintendent's allusions, avoiding Brennan's inquisitive eyes as she looks down to her hands.

"I heard stories about your little fling with _officer_ Ruzek," Brennan says and Hailey can feel how she emphasized on the word officer. "Apparently it sometimes interfer-"

Hailey snaps her head up, locking blazing eyes with her Superior's, unable to contain her indignation.

"It never did," Hailey bites back. "I would _never_ let this interfere with my work"

"Still," Brennan retorts, now irritated at Hailey's outburst, "this is not the kind of information I want to get back to me. As I said Intelligence has gone through enough, and I will not let it turn into a goddamn circus with detectives behaving like hormonal teenagers."

She takes her glasses off, revealing eyes turned cold, devoid of any semblance of warmth, and Hailey braces herself for her impending words. "We've already lost Lindsay, Olinsky and Dawson," Brennan enumerates on her fingers each loss Intelligence had to face, each name a dull ache smothering Hailey's anger away.

"Come to think of it," and Brennan's voice turns taunting. "We started losing them when you arrived to Intelligence. It's almost like you're the curse to this unit."

Hailey can barely breathe after Brennan's thinly veiled accusation. The Superintendent's words are like blades giving her heart a death by thousand cuts. Her eyes widen, before the harsh truth takes root in her mind. Facts never cared about feelings, did they? Her arrival did jumpstart the domino effect of Intelligence losing cherished member after cherished member. It's too much and the lungs trapped in her ribcage cry for air. Hailey huffs a choked, incredulous laugh.

Brennan seems to realize that she might have gone too far, her posture relaxing, eyes less menacing as her lips press into a pinched line. She leans back into her chair, letting silence settle and Hailey uses the quiet to gather the pieces of herself Brennan shattered with her cruel words and cobbles them back together into a semblance of resolve. Hailey takes a few breaths, eyes glued to her now trembling hands.

"Look, Upton," Brennan says at long last, voice more subdued as if trying to lessen the impact of her outburst. "You're a good cop. You did a great job with Narcs and that Castillo bust. You could have a great career ahead of you. And as you might already know, these rumors are the kind of stories that stick and don't let go and weigh heavy on any promotion. You're good police. Don't jeopardize this with stupid decisions."

Hailey reminds herself to breathe, in and out, steady heart, just breathe, she repeats in her mind as a mantra, feeling the walls close in on her. It takes a couple of heartbeats but she swallows the helplessness and forces composure onto her features. She looks up with silent clear eyes, nodding at Brennan, to acknowledge the truth, to admit defeat.

Brennan nods back and Hailey takes it as her queue to leave. She all but flees the Superintendent's office, rushing as if running away from the older woman's words still chasing after her. She makes a beeline to Intelligence's lockers, closes the door and slips to the floor, hiccups escaping her throat.

She is not going to cry.

She won't let any tear fall for McLoughlin or Brennan.

This is not happening again, she already had to deal with this in her previous units, with the salacious innuendos of McGrady, this is the reason she stopped with Adam. She's not letting this happen again.

Hailey breathes hard, labored air forcing its way into her lungs, willing her heart to stop thudding inside her ribcage. It takes longer than she'd like to calm herself down, for her to blink the tears away, to bury everything that happened in the last 24 hours and compose herself.

She picks her bag, and heads out toward the garage where they left the car when she came back with Kim, purposely avoiding the main entrance. She's almost on autopilot, the scolding by Brennan replaying in her mind, her steps taking her where she needs to be. She freezes and stops dead in her tracks, heart stopping and restarting, when she spots Jay sitting on the floor, his back against her car, as if he'd been waiting for her.

Hailey looks around before striding toward him. She is stuck between being grateful to have him wait this long, after everyone's gone, just to check up on her, and wanting to flee and just hide from the world. She doesn't know if she can take anymore talking to today and hopes he will let her be tonight.

Jay scrambles to his feet when he spots her approaching, and he stretches a bit before locking eyes full of concern with hers.

"Hey, everything ok? I heard you almost got in a fight and got called by Brennan."

"Yeah it's fine, nothing to make a fuss about. You got to love how that rumor mill never stops," Hailey tries to offer a reassuring smile but one look at Jay and she knows he's onto her.

He frowns, seemingly not satisfied with her answer. "It doesn't seem fine"

Hailey huffs an exasperated breath, annoyance starting to build inside her. "McLoughlin was an asshole to me and we almost got in a fight, I had a talk with Brennan and it was cleared by the higher ups," she replies in a clipped tone. "Like I said, fine."

Jay only scoffs, clearly not buying any of it. "Well, you don't seem fine," he bites back. "You should have told me or Voight and-"

"Look Jay, I can fight my own battles and I don't need more problems that I already have right now. I'm a big girl, I don't need to be babied around, not by you and not by Voigt"

"I know that but you can't just keep everything to yourself, we're a team-"

"You got to be kidding me right now," Hailey barks out, irritated, trying to stop from turning Jay into her punching bag, although he makes it hard not to. "You, you are the one telling me this? You, who had to be dragged to go get help-"

"But I did," Jay snaps back. "And I talk to you and Will, and-"

Jay stops, taking a breath, seemingly trying to rein in his temper and Hailey mirrors his action, willing her anger and hurt to find some other target than the person she cares about, who waited she doesn't know how many hours to make sure she was alright.

Jay breaks the silence, meeting her eyes. "Hailey, I don't want to fight, just - just tell me what Brennan said."

"Nothing happened, it's," and Hailey cannot stop the words rushing out her mouth. "It's fine"

"Just stop, stop with the it's fine, it's not fine, none of this is fine"

Hailey looks up, frowning, about to yell at him but she's taken aback by the warmth and traces of something close to fear coating Jay's eyes, overtaking anger.

Jay takes a step closer, eyes open and beseeching, begging for her to just open up. "I don't want to fight, I just want to be here for you the way you've been there for me the last two years. You're my partner, that's what we do for each other."

Hailey deflates, shoulder slumping. She averts Jay's stare, too scared to acknowledge what she sees in his eyes, risking showing him that all he feels echoes inside her. "We're not partners anymore," she blurts out, trying to shoo away the proverbial elephant that reared its head between them.

Her heart stutters when Jay barks out a disbelieving laugh. "Come on, just because Voigt separated us doesn't mean we're not partners anymore. I go where you go, remember?"

This earns him a coy smile from Hailey that he returns with a brighter version of his own. It flits his lips as fast it came however when he turns serious again and Hailey knows he's not going to let it go.

"Just," Jay takes a step closer, and Hailey has to remind herself to breathe as her heart does somersaults in her ribcage, her body tingling in response to his proximity when he stands a few breaths away from her. "Just talk to me. Please."

Hailey sighs, a part of her ruing her inability to say no to his pleading eyes. She shrugs, stubborn still, not ready to share the hurt. "It's just Brennan being Brennan"

"Hailey, what did she tell you?" Jay presses on, undeterred.

"Nothing I haven't heard before"

"Hailey"

She exhales an annoyed breath, rolling her eyes. "She just mentioned that I should stop mixing personal and professional life. There. Happy?"

Jay scoffs, incredulous. "How is that any of her business?"

"You tell me"

Hailey welcomes his silence, hoping he's going to drop it. She stifles a grimace when she meets his eyes and he stares at her expectantly.

"And?"

Hailey admits defeat for a second time today. She walks past Jay and turns to lean her back against her car. Brennan's words rush back to her and she tries to lessen their power. She's seen a lot of violence, courtesy of her line of work, she's been victim of physical violence and it sometimes makes her forget that words can cut through someone like a knife through skin, like a bullet through bones. And they leave scars that can reveal much longer lasting.

Now those words are trapped in her throat, taunting her resolve. It's only when she feels Jay settle beside her, his back to her car, in silent support, that Hailey takes a much needed breath and finds her strength back.

"She joked that it's funny how the unit lost Antonio, Al and," Hailey hesitates on the next name. "And Lindsay just when I joined. Like I'm a harbinger of doom or something."

She feels him stiffen and chances a glance up. Jay's face is impassive, eyes hard, and Hailey knows it's because of the open wound that Lindsay's departure has carved into his heart, the hole only getting deeper with Al and Antonio adding to the long list of people he lost.

She's about to tell him to forget it, silently reprimanding herself for reopening that scar, when he speaks first.

"This is ridiculo-"

"Well, she's not that wrong"

"Hailey, this is BS and you know it," he forcefully states, turning to look at her and she wishes she could share his certainty, although her heart warms at how adamant he seems about it.

Hailey lets out a wry laugh, staring ahead, well aware one look at Jay and the dam would break. She inhales, willing burning liquid away from her eyes and looks down at her feet.

"Let's be honest, I do carry some bad mojo," she admits "Brennan might have tried to get to me but she's right-"

Jay is about to protest but she's faster than him talking over his coming words, looking up to lock firm eyes with his.

"She's right," Hailey says again, "that the unit doesn't need more drama. We're lucky to still be working all together, so let's not mess that up. I don't want to be the reason any of this is messed up."

Her words have the intended effect as Jay lets out a tired sigh, arms crossed, seemingly contemplating what she said. Hailey uses the newfound heavy silence to let her mind wander and she thinks of her dad, of Garrett, of Erin, Al, Antonio. It's stupid, she knows, it's not her fault. At all. If anything she's part of the people left to deal with the loss and hurt. But logic doesn't win the battle with the part of her who's still that little girl who needs to prove that she is enough.

Hailey's lost in her thoughts, getting dragged into the pit of sorrow too familiar to fight against, when she's jolted back to reality with Jay's hands pressing against her shoulders. She looks up to find him standing before her, his blue eyes turned grey with steely determination, anchoring her back to the world. His eyes bore into hers and her heart skips a bit.

"Hailey, none of what happened to this unit is your fault," Jay reaffirms, voice soft, yet something in his tone doesn't leave any room for question. "What happened with your Dad is not your fault," and Hailey's eyes widen, a lump forming in her throat as it takes everything in her not to allow tears to fall. "You're an amazing detective and anyone would be absolutely lucky to have you. Hell, Narcotics were ready to skin Voigt alive for taking you away."

This tugs a wan smile out of her and Jay mirrors it, before his features turn serious, eyes darkening. "And Brennan better remove that bastard from the unit or I'll kill him myself."

Hailey shakes her head. She breathes out a despondent laugh that sounds more like a disguised sob. "Don't be stupid."

Jay shrugs, still not letting go of her shoulders, and seems to ponder his next words. "Brennan is trying to mess with your head. Just don't," he pauses, a wry grin starts forming on his lips. "I know it's rich coming from me, but try to not close yourself off."

Hailey snickers, grateful for the irony, for the added levity to alleviate the heaviness of the moment. "This is extra rich coming from you"

"Yeah yeah I know, but like you said, it's part of our thing, right?"

Hailey answers with a smile in which she pours all the gratitude and things she cannot say, hoping it's enough for now. She bumps his chest with her fist affectionately and Jay straightens, letting go of her shoulders, the grin spreading wider on his mouth, reaching his eyes.

Hailey sobers up, eyes turning apologetic, after a few seconds pass. "Sorry for mentioning Erin, I know it's still raw."

Jay's face clouds for a second before he shakes his head, his hand waving away her concern. "It's fine."

Hailey smirks. "Oh wow look who's all about being fine now," she teases making Jay bark out a laugh she feels in her very bones.

"Please, you know you're talking to the king of the I am fines"

"I know," Hailey snorts, mirth suffusing into the warm stare she settles on Jay. "And all you just said to me, likewise to you. I'm always here to listen. Will is too. You're not alone."

"I know, partner"

Hailey rolls her eyes, "You really need to let it go, man. Kim is my partner now and I have to say I'm enjoying the girl power"

"Oh please, Kim is cheap as hell," Jay quips and Hailey laughs, a true belly laugh that she needed. She looks up when her laughter subsides to find him grinning, pretty pleased with himself. "And does she buy you breakfast every day?" Jay asks, wiggling his brows, not letting her answer, although her resumed chuckles are reply enough. "That would be a no so I win."

"Alright you win," Hailey snickers, feeling better. She welcomes a calming breath in her lungs and nods to him. "Thanks for this Jay"

"Anytime. That's what I do for my partner. Actually I'm not just your partner, I'm your person"

Hailey's disbelieving laugh seems to make his pupils alight with mischief.

"Are you kidding me right now?"

Jay shrugs, eyes round in false innocence and Hailey just knows that's the go to expression he must have used since childhood to get out of trouble. "What? I'm not a caveman, I watch some chick flicks too"

"Oh god Jay you really need to get out there, your game is absolutely pathetic. Grey's anatomy, really?"

"Leave my game alone, ok? It's hard out here for us non tinder people. Anyways, beer?"

Hailey shakes her head, smile still tugging at her lips. "Raincheck, I'm beat. But definitely tomorrow. And you're buying."

"I already buy you breakfast!"

"Oh look who's cheap now?"

"Yeah well not all of us are from Lake Forest, and have partners who dote on them"

"You know the more you talk, the more you make me miss Kim"

"Fine, I'll shut it," Jay huffs and waits for Hailey to get into her car. "Are you sure you're gonna be alright?"

"Yes mom," Hailey chirps, looking up to him through the open window and Jay chuckles. "I'm better now, thanks to you, despite your pathetic references."

Jay gives her a fake wounded look, hand on his heart to accentuate the effect. He shakes his head.

"This must be what I get for being an ass to Rixton," he grumbles and not for the first time Hailey erupts into a fit of giggles that cottons them both in that soft, delicate bubble they increasingly find solace in, their thing.

Jay gives Hailey's shoulder a squeeze, eyes turning warm, hand lingering a few seconds too long but Hailey doesn't mind. She just takes his hand into hers, squeezing back and offers another reassuring smile. They stare at each other, longer than partners or friends should, but enough for them to find peace and strength in each other.

Jay nods and they both let go, heading back to their respective homes.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

The following day Hailey comes to the office to two gifts.

One that she expects but savors nonetheless, her favorite breakfast combo of bagel and coffee, with Jay's knowing smile as added bonus.

The second is a welcome surprise for the whole unit. McLoughlin was demoted, and Brennan replaced him with an older female detective.

"Seems like your mojo isn't so bad after all, we got rid of McShitty," Jay muses as he sits across from her in the breakroom, watching her enjoy her breakfast and Hailey revels in the comfortable weight of his stare.

She shrugs, trying to form a smile around her mouthful of sundried tomato and cream cheese.

Jay laughs at her antics and Hailey commits this small glimpse of true happiness to memory.

Her world is back on its axis again.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Ok this one was very Hailey centric, next part will be very Jay focused. hopefully by Friday, if not Monday. Hope ou liked, thank you for reading and keep the marvelllous fics coming, pretty rad that we're getting new fics and authors almost everyday.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Oof this is another long one, 9 freaking K words. so this is one i was excited to write about, however trigger warning for violence, sometimes kinda explicit. it's a depressing one also, so be warned, but i'm pretty proud of this chap. As always, all remaining mistakes are mine because this is unbetaed and i dont own cpd blah bla h blah. And once again thank you so much for the people who take time to review, you are the real MVPs and the reason we continue to be motivated to write. also so happy with all the rad upstead fics that keep coming. anyways, here goes.**

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Mouse comes back.

Jay gets the call from the VA while he's in the bullpen. His heart stops when the clipped, cadenced, clinical voice of the Army officer says Mouse's name and requests confirmation Jay is the next of kin.

_Please_, he thinks, _not again_. Mouse's face materializes in his mind, soaked in blood, eyes vacant, familiar feature of his nightmares and Jay has to brace himself on the closest wall to steel himself for the impending news. Relief floods through when the voice lets him know his friend has been injured and medically discharged.

"Where is he?" Jay chokes out, having difficulty to breathe.

"Chicago Med. 1st Lieutenant Gerwitz has been admitted this morning at 6-00."

Jay all but flees the office, shooting a quick text to Rixton and Voigt. His heart is pounding against his chest, barely buried memories exhumed, dancing in a macabre symphony in his mind. He blinks and he's in the scorching heat and whirling sands of Kandahar, peaceful pastel horizons clashing against the loud explosions of mortar around him. Screams fill his mind, shrill, desperate and agonizing, and Jay counts to three and takes a long breath.

His hands shake and he grips the steering wheel harder, so tight he welcomes the pain injecting in his veins, bringing him back to cold drab Chicago and keeping him there.

The chaos of the ER is a reflection of the one raging inside him. He spots Maggie behind her desk and makes a beeline toward her, panic drumming in his ears. It must also seep into his face as Maggie's eyes turn concerned when they meet his.

"Hey there Jay, everything ok?"

"Hey Maggie, yeah, um, do you guys have a Greg Gerwitz admitted here?"

"Give me a second," she checks, sifting through the myriad of names having entered her ER.

"Yes, 1st Lieutenant Gerwitz," she recites the data from her file. "Got in today at 6 am, pretty banged up, broken ribs, punctured lungs, mild brain trauma, multiple lacerations and burns, he's," and she pauses, looking up. "He's got you listed as next of kin?"

"Yeah, he's an army buddy of mine. Where is he? Can I see him?"

"Doctor Rhodes just got done with him, room 302, and Jay?" Maggie stops him as he rushes to Mouse's whereabouts. She gives him a reassuring look, "he's gonna be fine."

Jay nods and heads to the elevators.

Broken ribs. Punctured lungs. Lacerations. Typical IED injuries.

A part of him, which remembers what he and Mouse endured during their first deployment, is relieved it's not what he feared. His ghosts are awakened, they whisper in his ears, PTSD breaches every barrier Jay has worked so hard to set up and protect his mind with, it twists his head into remembering. He see the faces of his brothers in arms, the ones he lost to a war he still can't comprehend, nor justify. Or what was left of their faces. Severed limbs rot in the burning sun, taunting him, telling him he's next and there's no one coming to save him.

The elevator's doors slide open and Jay blinks against the harsh artificial light, bringing him back. The sanitized scent of death clings to him, filling his lungs, but all he can smell is the putrid stench of his soiled pants while he was detained there, in that forever burning land, hearing the blood curling screams of Sergeant Staunton as he was getting dismembered, screams interjected with the sobs of Mouse, huddled in a ball against the floor of their shared cell, hitting his head against the walls so he wouldn't hear.

Jay's heart hammers against his breastbone and bile slides up his throat, reaching his tongue, as he fights the familiar smothering hold of a panic attack. He falters in his steps toward Mouse's room and has to make an almost physical effort to rule his mind under control. He forces his head to fill with memories of Will, thinks of Hailey and her smile and her eyes so blue, the way they crinkle when she grins, of the last time the unit shared a laugh, three weeks ago as they celebrated Atwater's birthday, of Trudy's smirk as she teases him, of Rixton's perennial amused face.

_Breathe, fucking breathe_, he almost silently yells at himself, hands balled into tight fists.

Jay leans against the wall, pushing sterilized air to burn his lungs, to make them ache, to tether him to the present. To remind him he's alive.

It takes few wild heartbeats for him to breathe again, to reach a steady inhale and exhale. He resumes his steps and fear churns his belly when he reaches the door's handle. Jay cannot rein in the tears that prick his pupils when he finds Mouse lying, silent, in the bed, body punctured with tubes and IVs. He was never a big guy, but he looks so small now, so fragile, his frame too frail for an army ranger, as if swallowed by the white room.

Jay angrily wipes at tears he has no use for. Instead, he steps into the room, eyes scanning his friend's injuries. His mind settles when he sees no sign of amputation. Bruises, black and blue, form a patchwork on Mouse's skin, his injured body wrapped in bandages, the cadenced bip of his heart monitor the only sign he's still part of the living.

Jay takes Mouse's hand into his. "Welcome home, brother."

A couple of hours pass, and Jay's mind is yanked back and forth between bloody memories and the white room he presently waits in for his friend to wake up. He's so damn tired, the ghosts of his nightmares digging their invisible fingers into his skull, prying it open to take hold of his psyche. He fights against his body lulling him into a sleep he knows will be fitful and filled with the chaos of war. He blinks, forces his eyes open, checking his phone and sees the messages from Rixton and Voigt letting him know he can take the day off, and the missed calls and increasingly concerned texts from Hailey.

A small smile tugs at his lips when he reads her last message, telling him she'll drop by the hospital after their shift. He sends her a text back to let her know he's ok. His heart steadies, and he can tuck some unwanted memories back into the dark recess of his mind.

Will comes some time later, worry clear on his face when he finds Jay slumped in his chair, head between his hands, watching over Mouse.

"Hey, I was in surgery, came as fast as I could"

Jay offers a tired smile, tongue too heavy to speak. Will places a hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze before he goes to check on the medical chart.

"Rhodes did a good job. He should be ok, he will need a lot of rest however."

Jay nods, eyes darting to a still Mouse. "He's coming with me after you discharge him. I'll make sure he gets the rest he needs."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Jay looks up to his brother. The only thing preventing him from snapping at Will is the genuine concern he sees swimming in his older brother's eyes. _He means well_, Jay tells himself. Will's question echoes the little voice gnawing at his mind. Jay knows he's not out of the woods himself yet. His nightmares still plague him, he just has a better grip on them. He stopped therapy with the police counselor because he didn't want it to mess with his career. He does the work, is mindful of his triggers and he talks to Will and Hailey and it helps. But he's definitely not out of the woods yet. Now at least, he'll have someone to share and fight the darkness with. Silver lining, however small it is.

"He has no one else," Jay finally answers. "And I'm not abandoning him. So yes, he stays with me."

His tone is more brusque and firm than he would have liked but Jay is exhausted, and cannot put a filter on his mood. Will doesn't say anything. He puts the chart back onto the bedframe and picks up a chair to sit next to his brother.

Jay takes a sharp calming breath when Will puts a comforting hand on his back as he still watches over Mouse. They stay like that until the beginning of the afternoon, Will having to leave for another surgery.

The room turns cold again, fills with harsh whispers and Jay gets up, pacing the space between the four walls. He tries to do some work while staying with Mouse. He checks his emails, responds to those he can. Warmth pools inside him, blanketing his heart, when he sees Rixton and Hailey finalized and filed all his pending reports. He shoots a text to Rixton thanking him and lets Voigt know he'll be in tomorrow morning.

He'll thank Hailey in person, wishing away the hours until she finishes with work and he can see her and let his heart pacify in her calming presence.

His stomach groans in protest but Jay has no use for food now. Not when his muscles are still trapped in Afghanistan, when he stands guard for his friend as if waiting for the world to blink and send him back to that sun scarred hell. He rubs his eyes and goes back to watch over a peaceful looking Mouse, checking every odd second if the rise and fall of his chest is real, finding solace in the steady bip of the heart monitor.

His mind slips in and out of consciousness, surrendering to his body begging for the much needed sleep that has been evading him these past few days, as if a part of his mind knew the ghosts of war would come back to haunt him, as if foretelling Mouse's return in his life.

Another distant scream jolts him awake and he drowns in the muted cottoned silence of the hospital room, his back aching from his position on the chair. Jay inhales a sharp breath and rubs sleep out of his features. The weak Chicago sun surrenders to the cold and is slowly getting swallowed by the horizon, painting the city in a bleak grey and red that further sours his mood.

His attention snaps to the door, when the handle squeaks and reveals a tired and worried Hailey. Relief pours over Jay and he gifts her with a genuine smile that she echoes with a softer one, as she steps closer to him.

"Hey, are you okay?" she whispers, squeezing his arm. Jay nods and Hailey hands him a takeout bag with coffee, a honey and cheese bagel and a raspberry muffin.

He looks up, surprise and gratitude melting into a familiar warmth, and it must show in his eyes as Hailey shrugs, seemingly bashful. "Knowing you, pretty sure you didn't eat anything today."

"Thanks," Jay breathes out, at a loss of words for the feelings she brings out of him.

Hailey just smiles before glancing at Mouse.

She takes the seat vacated by Will beside him, and for the first time, Jay can feel himself relax a little. He eats in a comfortable silence, feeling strength infused back into his limbs, his mind dredged out of the fog of sleep deprived exhaustion and resurging past memories. Jay crumples the remnants of his meal in the paper bag and discards it into the trashcan at the foot of the bed. He fills his lungs with a calming breath, letting his body cocoon into the warmth of Hailey's company.

"So this is the infamous Mouse?"

Jay's lips curl into a wry smile, his eyes glued to Mouse's sleeping form. "Yeah," he says before Hailey's words hit him. He turns to her, eyebrow raised, "how did you-"

Hailey smirks. "Kim filled me in today when Rixton told us you rushed to Med to see him."

Jay nods. "Thanks for doing my reports for me. I owe you and Rixton."

Hailey fixes him with a look. "Come on, Jay, no need to thank us, that's what partners do for each other."

Jay gives an affectionate bump on her shoulder, locking tender eyes with hers and Hailey smiles, pupils a calming blue, yet he still sees traces of concern in them.

"I'm ok, I promise," he tries to reassure her but he knows she doesn't believe him. Truth be told, he doesn't even believe himself.

She doesn't say anything however, her stare settling on Mouse again, "How is he?"

Jay turns his attention back to his injured friend, heaving a despondent sigh. "Not good. He's pretty banged up, must have come against an IED. But he's tough, he's going to get better."

He feels Hailey eyes on him, soft brushes on his skin, and he turns to look at her.

"Is he…?"

Jay nods. "Yeah, he was part of my unit in Afghanistan. We were nine and now it's only the two of us."

He fights against the lump in his throat, averting his eyes. Jay stares down at his hands instead, and he swallows the awakened grief when Hailey's fingers enter his vision, and he watches as she takes his hand into hers, her grip delicate yet firm, grounding him, her palm so much smaller wrapped in his. Jay takes a painful breath, the words stumbling out, easier to let go with Hailey's support, letting him know he's safe with her.

"We were three survivors actually but Mike committed suicide when we got back. Blew his brains out. He couldn't take it anymore."

Hailey strokes his knuckles with her thumb, squeezing his hand in silent comfort.

"We got caught up by some combatants. We were trying to help a woman and her daughter cross a street and boom, IED hits our unarmored Humvee. They had given that woman a bag filled with explosives. I don't even think she knew what they had with them. It was a bloodbath."

Jay blinks and sees the dead eyes of the six year old torn to pieces, staring back at him, blood painting the sand a dark red, the dark veil of her mother draped over her missing legs. He comes back to Hailey softly calling his name. His eyes settle on their joined hands, his lifeline. He still can't look at her, it's easier if he doesn't look at her.

"Then we were taken hostage by some Taliban," he says, voice turning into a whisper, a strange calmness coming over him, as if he is yanked out of his body, another person clinically unfurling the threads of those two weeks of hell. "It's funny the stuff you remember, the stuff that stays. I still see that brown door, there was some chipped green paint on it. Mouse and I, we were in the same cell, we got lucky. The others, not so much. I still can smell the rot. There's nothing worse than a rotting body, and the screams, god, I never knew a human being could scream like that."

Jay clings to Hailey's hand, and he stops fighting his mind. He lets the memories flood through, overwhelm his senses and he shuts his eyes, riding the wave of assaulting flashes of blood and the faces of his friends, his team, Mouse crying in the corner of their cell, banging his head against the wall, the ghost memory of electricity coursing through his veins, shocking his mind, his barbed wired restraints gnawing and cutting into his wrists and ankles.

Jay remembers everything, relives it all and clutches his head with his free hand, urging his mind to settle, to pacify his temporary madness. He feels Hailey's other hand curl around his arm, stroking up and down, the gentle friction the anchor he needs to help him withstand the resurging psychological onslaught, twisting the roots out of him.

"Shhh, Jay, breathe, Mouse is ok, it's going to be ok."

Hailey soft words are a balm, offer relief that guides his heart to steady, heartbeat after heartbeat. Her presence shrouds him, nudging him to let go of these memories, if only for a little while. He can feel her shuffle closer, as if tucking herself to his side. She leans into him, her cheek resting on his shoulder blade, one hand intertwined with his, the other still stroking his arm. And Jay feels less alone.

Hailey and Will end up staying the night with him in Mouse's room. They make for a surprising picture when Doctor Rhodes finds them asleep guarding Mouse's bed in his first morning checkup.

Hailey and Will have to drag Jay out of the hospital, after multiple assurances from Rhodes he will let him know as soon as Mouse wakes up. Will follows Jay to his apartment, despite him moving out, still wanting to check on him. Jay doesn't miss the worried look his brother shares with Hailey before she goes back home to get ready for the day. The hot shower Jay takes refuge in is a welcome reprieve as his muscles breathe in renewed energy, his shoulders letting go of the heaviness that weighed on him since the day before. Jay gets ready to go to work when he gets the call. Mouse is awake.

The days that follow are a blur and if it wasn't for Will and Hailey, Jay doesn't think he would still be standing on his two feet. It takes a week for Mouse to get discharged, his usual affable persona is still there but it cannot mask the haunted shadow clouding his eyes. Jay takes care of him as much as he can, Hailey and Will spending all their evenings at his place, making it feel for the first time like a true home.

Jay is glad Hailey gets to meet Mouse, that she has the chance to see glimpses of the jovial prankster nerd he was before war chewed him out and spit him back as a shell of his former self. His tightly coiled feelings unfurl and blossom inside of him and Jay's grateful when he witnesses the gentle yet genuine way she interacts with his friend, like Mouse was never gone those past two years, instead of tiptoeing around him like most people do around Jay, as if they were time bombs that needed to be diffused.

"So what happened with Erin?" Mouse asks one night, after Hailey and Will leave, and they are having a last beer before bed, both delaying the inevitable, afraid to drown into the ghost filled sleep awaiting them.

Jay's face contorts, and he grinds his teeth. He takes a long sip of beer, before shrugging. "Got a better offer and left."

Mouse raises his eyebrows, "She left you like that? Doesn't seem like her, granted I didn't know her well but…"

Jay sighs. "She had to get away to help her mother," and the thought of Bunny makes him swallow embittered grudge. "She made a deal with the Feds, take their offer in New York and her mom is off the hook. It kinda helped save her career."

"Then why the resentment?" Mouse asks, his insights as sharp as ever.

"She left without saying goodbye. She couldn't even take any of my fucking phone calls. She just up and left and never looked back."

"That sucks, man"

"Yeah it does," Jay says absent mindedly, willing away the memories of his former love that always threaten to overwhelm him. He takes another swig of beer before rolling his eyes at the heavy stare Mouse fixes him with.

"What?"

Mouse smirks. "And what about Hailey?"

Jay glances at Mouse and averts his eyes when he sees his friend's perceptive, assessing pupils and carefully controlled knowing smile. "What about her?"

It's Mouse's turn to shrug nonchalantly. "Dunno, you two seem close."

"She's my partner," Jay says, frowning against the feel of the word on his tongue. It's so empty, almost too small to describe all that goes into the specific bond he shares with Hailey. It seems too reductive. They're so much more than that. Best friends? Almost but not quite. Kindred spirits? Maybe. One thing he is sure though, in another life, in other circumstances, they might have been way more. Jay shakes himself off of his thoughts, well aware how Mouse was observing his reaction.

He meets his friend's eyes, a wan smile tugging at his lips. "We're partners," he repeats, voice more firm. "I wasn't in a good place after Erin left, PTSD came back full force and she helped me, kicked my ass into therapy. Was there for me after my dad died. I owe her a lot."

Mouse nods, eyes softening. "I'm glad you had her. Sorry about Erin and your dad. I shouldn't have left-"

Jay shakes his head. "You needed to go, I don't know why, but you seemed like you needed to. You couldn't know what would happen. I'm just glad you're back in one piece, at least physically."

Mouse offers a sad smile in response, before clinking his beer with his. As it has become their ritual since Mouse got out of the hospital, they don't go to sleep before early morning.

Things seem to piece themselves back into a new normal, little by little. Jay would drop Mouse off at the VA before heading to work, then Will and Hailey would stop by his place to spend the evening with him and Mouse until after dinner. It seemed to do the trick as it distracted both Jay and Mouse from their demons, Mouse even talking about getting his old job back into Intelligence.

Until that cold spring morning. Something gnaws at Jay the whole morning and he asks Hailey if they can stop by his apartment after picking up breakfast just for a quick check on Mouse. He told Jay he'd sleep in and go to the VA later which Jay shrugged at, both have been sporting bags under their eyes, that filled Hailey and Will with worry, even though there wasn't much to be done, PTSD doesn't just go in the blink of an eye.

When Jay and Hailey enter his apartment, they are met with deafening silence that feels ominous, until Jay finds Mouse curled on the bathroom floor, blood pooling underneath his slit wrists.

The news of Mouse's suicide attempt shakes them all. Jay, Will, Hailey but also the whole Intelligence. It sheds a harsh light on the magnitude of what they are dealing with. Jay takes the whole week off, Hailey and Rixton taking care of his cases.

Jay's eyes are affixed to Mouse's bandaged wrists, unable to rid himself of the flash of red he sees every time he glances at his friend's hands. Mouse catches Jay's stare as he's slumped on his couch, barely paying attention to the movie playing on the screen.

"I'm so sorry Jay," he breathes out. They haven't talked about his suicide attempt yet and it's been almost a week. "I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sleep and the little sleep I got, it was just all this blood and this noise."

"You're not going back Mouse," Jay says, almost as an order. He looks up to lock clear eyes with his friend's. "You're done with the army. You're going to stay here and I'll take better care of you."

Mouse smiles, empty and defeated and it makes Jay's heart break in half. "You can't save everyone, Jay. Sometimes you gotta let go."

"But I can try. And this time, I'm going to try harder. You're the only one left from our unit and I'm not giving up on you, man. You're not alone, not as long as you have me."

Mouse swallows hard, eyes shining with unshed tears, the same tears pooling in Jay's own pupils. They both take a moment to compose themselves, letting air fill their lungs and will away the walls that seem to always be closing in on them.

"It's hard," Mouse says at long last, sniffling, wiping at his eyes. "I'm terrified of going to sleep. I see their faces. There's so much noise, I can't even hear my own thoughts, I can't even breathe. I hear their screams every night, what we did, what they did to us."

Jay puts a hand on Mouse's shoulder, giving a comforting squeeze. "I know, I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. But you know what? I got a bit better, because I tried to get help, and I had people who didn't give up on me. I'm here for you. And I won't let you do anything stupid. Ok?"

Mouse nods, giving Jay a fist bump.

They come up with an arrangement. Mouse is not ready to go to therapy, not yet. So Jay takes him with him to Intelligence. He makes sure Mouse is surrounded by people all day. Never one to be idle, Mouse helps out Platt and starts working on his old tasks. It isn't long before he gets his job back.

That day, Jay and Mouse and the whole unit go to Molly's to celebrate.

"Congrats," Jay says, after clinking beer bottles with Mouse. "Welcome back to the world of the living."

"First day of the rest of my life, right?"

Jay grins and Mouse snorts.

They're not out of the woods, not by a long shot, but at least they're still breathing.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

Hailey watches as the streets of Chicago melt into a sea of muted colors, Kim driving them back to the precinct.

She blinks and takes a breath, apprehension weighing heavy on her bones.

The past two weeks have been draining, Mouse's return revived fears she thought she had a handle on. His suicide attempt shook her to her core, echoing the panic she felt when Jay got shot. Her mind is assaulted with what ifs, what if Jay had those thoughts, still has these thoughts inside him, what if she can't be there fast enough if he ever tries to take his own life, what if she and Will and the rest of the people in his life are not enough to help him heal.

She's not blind. She's seen the ghosts having now taken permanent residence in Jay's eyes, she can almost feel his exhaustion, that his stubborn self won't acknowledge because he has to take care of his friend and that means not allowing others do the same for him. She knows he hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks now. And she knows they're all in way over their heads dealing with the demons of a war they only have a vague notion of.

Her mind goes back to the case they have been handed today, case that only amplifies her fears. A sniper has been wreaking havoc through the city, claiming already three victims. All the evidence they gathered point to one and one conclusion only. The perp is ex-military.

Hailey sighs, trying to rein in the foreboding dread clutching at her heart.

"You alright?" Kim's words bring her back to the present and Hailey thinks before turning to her partner.

"Kim, can I ask you for a favor?"

"Of course, shoot"

"Can you ride with Rixton this week?"

Kim glances at Hailey before reverting her attention back to the road. "You're afraid the case is gonna mess with Jay's head?"

"Yeah, I think it already does. And I'd feel better if I can have an eye on him at all times."

"Honestly, pretty sure we'd all feel better having you with him as well. What happened with Mouse…", Kim visibly shudders, shaking her head.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, I'll talk to Rixton."

"Tell me if you need anything. God knows you can be as stubborn and closed off as Jay sometimes so please, anything, just say the word."

Hailey smiles, bumping Kim's shoulder. "Thanks Kim"

"And you better come back. This is only temporary"

This brings out a chuckle out of Hailey as she gives a mock salute to a smiling Kim.

They get back to the bullpen and Hailey finds Rixton in the breakroom, letting him know of the new partner arrangement.

"Good," Rixton says clearly relieved, to which Hailey would laugh if she didn't see the same concern she has clouding the older detective's features. "I was going to ask you for the same thing anyway. Jay really needs you right now and this case is not gonna help."

Hailey offers a pinched smile, nodding at Rixton. "Where is Jay?"

"He should be back now, went for an errand. We're supposed to go and check out a possible suspect's place so he's all yours."

"Thanks Kenny."

Hailey picks up her coat and heads to the garage, she spots Jay climbing out of his truck and her heart aches at his tired features and slumped shoulders. The shadows on his face clear up however when he sees her, a smile tugging at his lips, making Hailey offer a grin in response.

"Hey there," he says when she strides toward him, cocking his head to the side as if studying her. "You don't look like Rixton."

Hailey snorts, planting her feet before him, hands in her pockets. "Well, tough luck cause I'm your Rixton today."

Jay grins and her heart beats a bit faster. "Well, I'll take this Rixton any day."

Hailey chuckles and averts her eyes, fighting against a blush. She looks up to find a wry smile flicker on Jay's lips before it fades just as fast as he lets out a tired sigh.

"I'm ok, Hailey. You don't need to worry so much about me."

Hailey shakes her head and takes a step closer. "No, you're not. I can see it, Will can see it, everyone can see it," she says, voice soothing, a touch above a whisper. "You're not ok. You haven't been sleeping and this case is certainly not going to help. You worry about Mouse so let me look out for you. Part of our thing, remember?"

Jay ducks his head, lips twisting into a fond smile before looking up to her and Hailey has to remember to breathe. His gaze is so open and warm, it almost makes her melt. Jay's smile dims a bit as he nods, and Hailey squeezes his arm in reassurance before striding around the truck, to take her former reserved seat.

They get in his car and it seems like they're back before Kelton and their separation. Hailey feels Jay's eyes on her when she looks around the truck, as if reconnecting with it.

"The place misses you"

Hailey's heart stutters at Jay's words, and she's pulled into his orbit again when she meets his eyes, her nerves frayed, body tingling, tongue tied like a smitten schoolgirl. "I miss it too." _I miss you the most_.

Jay's mouth tugs up at both ends, eyes soft, and Hailey has to make a conscious effort not to let herself drown in them. She takes his hand in hers, gives it a comforting pressure, before bringing them back to the here and now. "So, where are we off to?" she asks, a touch breathless.

Jay smirks at her obvious attempt to stop one of their increasingly numerous moments short, but he doesn't mention it, seemingly letting her of the hook. His features turn serious, his cool under pressure and confident cop mode back on.

"Riverdale. We got a name, Marshall Kowalsky," he informs her, revving up the engine as Hailey buckles her seatbelt. "Did two tours in Iraq, now in the gun selling business. The bullets we found at the scenes match the ones he's selling."

"Could help us find our perp," Hailey says as they drive out of the precinct. "Do we need back up?"

Jay shrugs. "Let's check the address out first. If needs be, we can call the cavalry."

"Aye aye captain."

Jay barks out a laugh, shaking his head as they head to their destination.

The address is a seemingly abandoned two storied house, grey concrete and dried out paint making it feel old and empty. The windows are barred by dark wood panels.

They circle it, checking the exits before stepping inside, the door left open. Silence and darkness welcome them, only broken by the sound of their steps, the floorboards groaning against the weight of their feet, and the ribbons of light filtering through the wooden panels.

Weapons drawn, they venture further into the house, climbing the stairs. Hailey follows close behind Jay, covering his back. Her heart pounds in her ears, muscles taught, as she feels like someone is watching them. She turns her head to scan behind her but is only met with foreboding quiet.

They reach the first floor, Jay strides forward, when they both hear the small click.

Jay turns to her as she inspects her surroundings and her heart stops when she hears him inhale a sharp breath.

"Hailey," he rasps out and Hailey meets his terrified eyes fixed on her. She follows his line of sight and fear grips her heart when she sees the red dot on her coat.

It all happens in a blur. Jay runs to her, and they fall to the ground just as a salvo of bullets rain down on them, shooting in all directions. The world narrows and stops, as if taking its breath, sound muffled by the thud of their heartbeats, Hailey clutched in Jay's tight embrace. She hits his shoulder twice with her fist, sign that she is ok, and he relinquishes his hold on her.

They stay still, flat against the floor as the metronomic sound of a rifle firing its ammunitions pounds the walls. Hailey's eyes turn to Jay, scanning his body for any injury. Her eyes widen when she sees drops of blood sluicing out of his arm. Panic injects adrenaline in her veins and she scrambles to him, one arm curling around his waist and they crawl on the floor, trying to get inside the closest room. Hailey can see the now apparent strings tying automatic rifles together in a labyrinth of steel. Booby trapped.

There is a lull in the shooting, and they both stare at each other, a second long enough for both of them to nod and launch themselves into the room in front of them, closing the door behind as another click heralds another rifle at the ready. They fall to the floor as bullets resume and pierce through the wooden door, debris raining over them, like pellets of snow.

Hailey grabs Jay's injured arm, worried eyes inspecting it, and relief washes over her when she sees it's only a graze. Her comfort is short lived when she looks up to him and sees his wide eyes, pale face, and mouth open as if unable to breathe. _Shit, shit, not now_, Hailey thinks as her partner is fighting the tight grip of a panic attack.

Hailey puts both her hands flat on his chest, pushing his back against the floor. She climbs over him, covering his body with hers, locking eyes with him. "Breathe, Jay, you have to breathe," she almost yells over the loud explosion of bullets over their heads. She ducks some wood and rocks falling from the walls and feels Jay's muscles stiffen, almost locked in paralysis under her hands, his heart a wild drum, beating against her fingers.

"Hail- Hailey, get- get out of here," Jay croaks out, fear swimming in his eyes.

She fixes him with a determined look. "I am not going anywhere."

Hailey cradles Jay into a tight hug, just as he had done with her in that van, months ago, under another onslaught of bullets. She can feel him try to fight, she knows he's scared because she can't cover her six, just as she was terrified he couldn't protect himself, but it only makes her tighten her grip on him, as he hiccups, his choked, broken breaths filling her ears.

The shooting stops again, and Hailey doesn't even think to regain her breathing. She shoots Jay a look, darts her eyes to the secluded corner at their right, one that she noticed was spared from the bullets. She waits for him to follow her line of sight and be ready. They stare at each other, Hailey raising a brow and Jay nods, still trying to push air into his lungs.

"One, two, three," she whispers against his ear before she takes hold of him and they both scramble to the corner. He's heavy under her arm attached to his waist, and they have to stop and restart as they drag themselves into their cover just as another salvo of bullets storms the walls.

Hailey shuffles into the corner, and cradles Jay into a seating position against her, she pulls him to her, his back burrowing into her chest, huddled further into the far walls, their legs intertwined. Her arms cling to him as she hugs him from behind, flying bullets wheezing in front of them.

Maddening terror runs cold in her veins when she feels Jay's body turns completely rigid in her arms, his heart now hammering against her hands and Hailey swallows her helplessness, remembering the radio fastened to her belt.

"5021 Henry, shots fired at 3316 West street, Riverdale, officers under fire, I repeat officers under fire, house is booby trapped, need bomb squad and back up now!"

She feels Jay cling to her arm clutching him to her and she lays her radio next to her, freeing her hand, before placing it on his thudding heart.

Hailey tucks her face into his neck, rubbing her nose against his pulse point. "Breathe, Jay, breathe, please, you have to breathe," she hears herself imploring him.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

He's back into the scorching heat of Bagram.

Jay tries to breathe but it's as if a boulder is crushing his lungs, lacerating into his heart, threatening to make it explode into tiny little pieces. Every whiff of air feels like a blade slicing his throat. He's drowning, he's being swallowed by the familiar darkness he's been fighting for too long, too heavy for his tired, battle weary bones.

He only sees sand, the sound of explosions blasting around him, his ears ringing from the shockwaves. Another blast and the world is painted in blood, dark red rivers turning into bloodied arms gripping him, dragging him down, and he can't scream, he can't breathe, he's being buried under red sand and it's black again, bullets screaming around him.

_Breat – … Jay – plea – se … breathe._

Hailey.

Jay wills his mind to cling to her voice, snippets of words digging their way through pitch black darkness. It takes a few aching heartbeats but her voice becomes clearer, soaring over the detonations and bullets. Her pleas are a beacon, the growing light that dredges him out of the black hole he's being buried in.

He forces air in, and it hurts, so fucking much, but he does it because he can hear her beg him to do so, he can feel her warmth fighting the cold fear coiled inside him. Her face is soft against her neck, her tears trickling into his back, soaking his shirt, and she's desperate, her voice trembles but she still tells him to breathe and Jay tries to do just that.

Seconds become minutes, and labored breath by labored breath, Jay can peel the fingers of PTSD out of his mind, willing his heart to pacify, infusing air to calm his burning lungs.

_Yes, that's it, breathe, in and out._

Hailey's voice is warm against his ear, the golden thread shining his way out of the labyrinth. Jay feels her loosen her embrace, to help him breathe easier but no, it's too soon, he needs her warmth, he needs her body glued to his to remind him he's alive and he's not alone. He grips her arm and it's as if she's read his mind, and she resumes her tight hug, clutching him to her, burying her face in the crook of his neck and Jay can start breathing again.

They stay wrapped in each other for what feels like an eternity, Hailey coaxing him out of the darkness, her words pushing closer and closer toward that light and Jay tries opening his eyes. He blinks against the world reframing itself, breathing a little easier, and swallows hard against his sore throat.

He can hear in the distance the echo of sirens and relief pours inside him. They will be okay. The sound of bullets is replaced by shouts and loud, desperate voices calling their names.

"In here! Be careful, the house is booby trapped!"

He can hear steps getting closer after Hailey's response, his body relaxing against hers but his muscles are still too stiff, his right arm still smarting from the bullet graze.

"Jay, can you hear me? We're okay, you're okay, can you get up?"

He feels the loss of Hailey's warmth as she lets go and shuffles to get a look at him. His lips twitch upward when she enters his line of vision, eyes wide with worry and she paws at him, trying to find any other injury.

"I'm – fine," he croaks out, lifting a hand to catch one of hers still on his chest. He gives a reassuring squeeze, looking at her and he wishes he had the strength to reassure her with a hug when he sees unshed tears shining in Hailey's eyes, coloring them even more electric blue. She offers a watery smile, sniffling, breathing the tears away and she turns to Rixton and Atwater, asking for help.

"Come on big guy, you really trying to give me a heart attack," Rixton grumbles, taking his other hand and Jay barks out a weak laugh, putting his arm around his neck as Hailey helps him stand up. His knees are a little wobbly, and they would have almost given out if it wasn't for both Hailey and Rixton holding him on either side.

"Woah, easy, easy," Rixton says and they take little step by little step to head out of the death trap. Jay's vision is a bit blurry as they help him descend the stairs but he can still see the sea of bullets and a shudder travels through him, remembering how close he came to lose Hailey.

"You guys really are damn lucky," Rixton echoes his thoughts and Jay turns to a silent Hailey. As if sensing him, she looks up, traces of tears still clinging to her pupils. Jay has so much he wants to say to her, but all he can do is stare at her, flashes of her protecting him, of the terror that paralyzed him when he realized she could get hit by any of the flying bullets, fill his mind and he knows Hailey has the same thoughts as she squeezes his side, in comfort, in relief and nods to let him know, that yes, they are alive.

Voight rushes to them as they get out of the house, worry creasing his features and Jay finds his voice.

He's about to reassure him, when a blur passes by and he is almost tackled to the ground by Mouse. His friend clings to him in a bone crushing embrace, his body shaking, hands gripping Jay's coat.

"I'm okay," Jay says, returning his desperate hug. "Mouse, I'm okay."

It takes a couple of minutes for Mouse to find his breathing again, he lets go of Jay, wild eyes scanning his body for any injury, tears spilling from his pupils. "You could have fucking died!"

"But I didn't," Jay tries to reassure and pulls him in another hug, letting him get the fear out. His eyes find Hailey's and his heart aches when he sees the same desperation as Mouse ecthed into her features. He release one hand, reaching out to her and she takes it, squeezing it and it anchors them.

Hailey puts her other hand on Mouse's back as he seems to settle, "Come on Mouse, we have to get Jay checked out," she says in a soft voice.

Voigt echoes her words, "You both need to get checked out. Take the day off. We got this."

They all nod and head toward the paramedic ambulance, where Brett and Foster are waiting.

Jay doesn't let go of Hailey's hand until they get in the ambulance and Brett treats his wound, Mouse hovering over him, like a terrified overbearing child.

When done, they head to a police car, none of them in the emotional state to drive. Atwater takes them to Jay's apartment. Jay shares a look with Hailey as they arrive at his building, his eyes silently begging her to stay with him and Hailey nods, getting out of the car. They thank Kevin and Jay puts a comforting hand on Mouse's back as they step into the elevator.

He invites Hailey to take a shower first as he needs to make sure Mouse settles down and doesn't have a resurging outburst. Both men slump into the couch, Mouse breathing in and out and Jay keeps his hand on his back, to reassure him he's here, to help him escape the tight hold of fear. Jay breathes easier when he feels Mouse relax against his hand. It isn't long before his friend falls asleep, adrenaline having the best of him. Jay tucks Mouse in his couch, removing his shoes and draping a blanket over his crumpled form.

Hailey emerges from his bathroom swimming in his shirt and sweatpants and Jay huffs a snort, the first moment of levity since their brush with death. Hailey answers with a small smile, eyes darting toward Mouse sleeping on the couch, beside him.

"Go take a shower, I'll watch over him," Hailey says in a whisper, her voice still brittle, and Jay nods, squeezing her shoulder as he brushes past her.

Hot water traces a path on his skin, his body surrendering to the warmth of the condensed fog. His heart is still an erratic muscle seeking its way to more peaceful dispositions. It's been awhile since he's had that violent of an attack. He thought he got a handle on his ghosts but they crawled back to life to remind him that no, he's not whole, he might never be. And how can he ever be anyways?

How can he heal when he leaves for a war only to come back to find he has to wage another one in his own home. One whose enemy's face changes every day. How can he face himself when his hands are soaked in so much blood even bleach would never cleanse them of their deeds? How, when little by little realization dawns more and more every day that all this loss, all this blood was for nothing, was only meant to feed a machine that swallows kids and spits them out into damaged goods. His first months back home only served to exacerbate that sad, terrifying truth, his former brothers in arms being reduced to find solace in drugs, suicide, homelessness, because they believed in ideals that were only words uttered by people who've never seen real blood.

Because war has a way of breaking you, of crushing you in tiny parts, of leaving a gaping hole at the center of your being, of making loss a part of you, stitched in the skin you inhabit but do not recognize anymore. And it leaves you with the same perpetual question. Why me? Why was he the one spared, the one to survive and even learn to live again when so many, more deserving, have died instead?

Jay shakes his head, his thoughts taking him to that dreaded place, making him look into the abyss again and he doesn't want to wait for the darkness to smile back at him. He knows he will never heal. But something in him still wants him to try.

Exhaustion takes hold of his muscles, making them ache for silence and deep peaceful sleep. Jay heaves a sigh, stopping the running water. He puts his shirt and sweatpants on, dragging himself to the living room. He finds Hailey sitting on the floor, leaning against the back of the couch Mouse is sleeping in. The ghost of a smile plays on his lips and the urge to have her near, to reassure himself she's real and here with him almost overwhelms him.

Jay takes a seat beside her, and sighs as he settles on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, blanketed in her warmth. He wraps his hand in hers, a reflex now that he doesn't even acknowledge, not when he was so close to losing her again. The thought makes his veins turn cold and it takes everything in him not to cradle her in his arms, to melt into the warmth that helped him breathe in that abandoned house.

Silence shrouds them, Hailey doesn't say anything when he intertwines his fingers with hers. Instead she leans her head against his shoulder, letting out a long exhale. A few heartbeats pass, the calm only disturbed by Mouse's light, intermittent snores.

"What are your triggers?"

Her words are quiet, but Jay can hear the lingering touches of the desperation that colored her voice when she was yelling at him to breathe.

"It's getting better now, but," he takes a breath. "Loud explosions used to send my mind into chaos. Anything to do with bombs. And I hate the sound of blade against blade, you know when you sharpen a knife? Not a good sound."

"You need to continue to get help, Jay"

"I can handle this" he doesn't even know where these words came from, just the reflex answer his stubborn mind blurts out, in defense of a coming lecture.

Hailey straightens, releasing his hand, and Jay feels cold again. She sits up, turning to meet his eyes.

"Can you? What happened toda-"

"Look, Hailey, I know I messed up-"

"It's not about that-"

"I'm not going be a cop with ptsd, ok? That's a career ender right there," Jay cuts, in a harsh hushed tone, familiar anger whispering in his ears. He tries to smother it, because she is the last person he wants to be angry at.

He can see her features fall, something akin to disappointment shadowing her blue eyes, and Jay averts her stare, unable to bear him letting her down. He looks down at his hands, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I just –," Jay exhales his frustration before meeting her saddened eyes. "Hailey, I don't want to drag you into my problems, you've already done so much"

It's Hailey's turn to frown, seemingly exasperated. She scoffs a mirthless laugh. "What's that supposed to mean? I thought we were past that, past you not trusting me? I just want you to be okay and you make it a hell lot harder for anyone to help you do that"

She reins in her voice, afraid to wake Mouse up but her growing frustration burns in her eyes and Jay swallows his own helplessness, tries to will away his stubborn streak wanting to deal with his demons on his own, to not be what he's always seen as weak and ask for help.

A thought flashes through his mind and something ugly curls inside him. He locks eyes with her, fear of her answer making his tongue heavy in his mouth.

"Am I scaring you?" _Please say no, please_.

Hailey's breath seems to catch in her throat, her eyes wide at his question. She leans forward, clutching both his arms in her hands.

"Jay. No, never," she almost exclaims, disbelief echoing in her breathy whispers. Jay feels himself relax, relief warming him. "What I'm scared of is not being able to help, it's losing you to ptsd. Mouse almost killed himself, and I don't-," and Hailey stops, head down, as if to swallow a sob and rein in her own kind of panic. She looks up, eyes glistening with tears and Jay is frozen in time, fighting a lump in his throat.

"I can't see you go there. And I realize that Will, the unit, me, we're not enough, this is too big for us to help, you have to see a professional," she states, voice more firm before it breaks again and she has to breathe. "but I'm here, I'll always be here, you are not alone. I just want you to get better and if I need to kick your ass for it then so fucking be it."

Jay barks out a laugh not to cry, he hangs his head, exhaustion making him loosen his grip on feelings he tries to bury further deep down, overcome with genuine gratitude. He breathes hard, trying to pacify his poor heart. He feels Hailey cradle one of his hands in hers, giving him space to compose himself.

She settles back against the couch, curling her arm around his, and he instinctively leans into her, his shoulder pressing against hers. Her head is tucked in the crook of his neck and he lays his cheek on top of her soft hair. He exhales, his ribcage opening, his heart growing.

"Just please let us be there for you. No one can do it alone, isn't that what you told me when I was having problems with Brennan," Hailey whispers, her hand stroking his. "You don't have to go to the district psychologist, Will can help you get in touch with Doctor Charles, for you and Mouse"

Jay jostles the thought in his head. He thinks of Mouse, how frail he's become, how still haunted he is.

"Tomorrow, I'll call Will tomorrow," he relents. "I just need things to settle."

"Whenever you're ready," Hailey's hands play with his fingers, a friction that sends tingles in his nerves, and he tucks her more into him.

"I thought I got a handle on it but this is far from over," he finally confesses.

"Everyone will be there for you, Will, Voigt, the unit"

"You?" he knows the answer but he still has to ask, still needs to hear her say it.

Hailey squeezes his hand with hers. "Of course, I'm not going anywhere."

Jay sighs, his lips brushing the top of her head. He fills his lungs with Hailey's scent, her shampoo tickling his nostrils, lulling him into a frail sense of peace.

They end up sleeping on his rug, close to Mouse, wrapped together, locked in a tight embrace, each other's intangible home.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

They find the sniper.

It takes 24 hours for the unit to arrest Stephen Kowalsky, Marshall's brother. He too did Iraq and came back not completely whole, his demons having the best of him.

Jay listens, protected by the invisible barrier of the interrogation room's one way mirror. He listens and watches the killer he could have become if not for the people in his life.

This is the last nudge he needs and he calls Will. For him, and Mouse.

The sun is already setting when Hailey's car stops in front of Med. Hailey hugs both Jay and Mouse, infusing strength into their bones. Jay lingers a bit longer in her arms, as he clutches her to him, reveling in her warmth. They let go and she nods, in encouragement. He finds Will waiting for him and Mouse at the lobby, taking them to Dr Charles' office.

"I am proud of you," Will whispers into Jay's ear as he wraps Jay into a tight hug before letting him step into the office with his friend.

Jay looks at a nervous Mouse who shakes Doctor Charles' hand, his stare furtive as of that of a cornered animal, and he remembers when Mouse used to be the go to source for levity in their unit.

Jay promises himself that he will get better. Not only for him but for the people he loves and the ones who are gone, for Mouse and the brothers in arms he lost.

Tomorrow will be better. It has to.

* * *

**oOo**

* * *

**Hope you liked, i really wish the show would make the most of how damaged these characters are, it's a goldmine of stories. next chap might take ten days because these last two chapters drained me a bit. but at least the next one will be more fluffy angst than depressing angst.**

**Thanks for reading.**


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